This time tomorrow I'll be not-going-to-sleep with the thought that I will get up the next day and have my baby girl.
Scary.
Today was a good day, although it doesn't feel good each day when I wake up and think, oh god, I am still in hospital.
Why was today good? I got to escape for a couple of hours to pop home (I was taken and returned by a kindly friend, I didn't remotely go under my own steam). Home is nice, I miss it, it was nice to see, even if my people weren't in it. I really miss my little family, this is the longest I've been away from them ever, I do see them each day but only fleetingly and it's hard. I hate speaking to them on the phone at breakfast time and not being there to help them get ready for school.
Being at home means I have what I would have packed myself in my hospital bag, including post partum things for me and baby. I now have my favourite maternity proof non maternity tops to ensure I survive the few days after birth. Baby clothes to be fetched to me by tomorrow/Birth Day.
I was pooped after my foray to the Outside World though, and my bp was sky high on returning to the ward, so I am satisfied that I should be here instead of home. And after all, it is only one more night after tonight until Birth Day.
My little ward room has four beds in it and mostly it is filled with temporary passing ladies, most of whom are in early labour. Some are having problems, one was in last night with severe morning sickness at 8 weeks, one is in tonight to have tests for clots at 26 weeks, and one other patient in here tonight has the same as me, high bp. She is 37 weeks and will probably be induced although she responded well to the drugs unlike my crazy blood.
The other patient was brought in at 11pm so I know nothing. This seems mean to move her so late but they are really, really busy. I attribute this to nine months having passed since everyone was snowed in for a whole week.
Nice people today. Nice visitors, nice staff, nice patients, nice family, nice friends. Nice doctor reassured concerns about impact of crazy bp on caesarean recovery. Nice. Feel calm.
Hubby has decided he prefers another name touted by me as a middle name. I still like the original choice, but it is a tiny bit twee, but new name isn't as pretty. We'll see, I think we have our name and middle name, we shall see which way she suits them when she appears in a matter of hours. 34 hours now. Gosh.
Wednesday 31 August 2011
Tuesday 30 August 2011
The difference a date makes
Another entry seems to have been eaten, which I put down to my perpetually disappearing Internet connection.
Well. Consultant visit this morning was with my own assigned consultant, who I have seen for precisely five minutes prior to today, all of which were on last Friday.
He reiterated the unlikelihood of the tumour thing they are testing for. I'm more relaxed about that anyway, in the extremely rare case of the condition, knowing about it is the key, managed it is not particularly dangerous.
I am not to be allowed home, despite begging and proclaiming that *this* does not help reduce my blood pressure. Nor do the drugs much actually. But that is another thing altogether. He said he would like to wait till 37 weeks and that I would have to stay here. I cried.
What the consultant did after speaking to me made everything better.
First of all he discharged the noisiest hypochondriac person in the world who was in the bed opposite, restoring peace and commencing the first of my complete change of room mates as they moved onwards to home or labour and new labouring/sickly ladies arrived throughout the day.
Then he returned to me to tell me that we would go for 36 weeks and subject to theatre availability, a section would be booked around that date.
A booking has now been made. For Friday. This Friday. 3 days away. 2 sleeps after tonight. My daughter will be here in less than 3 days and any guilt I feel at curtailing her gestation is assuaged by the belief that her and I are both at danger if we continue. As an incubator my usefulness is shortly to be finished and medical attention would be better provided out of me.
And 36 weeks is pretty much ok, especially for a girl.
I am now very excited and much less freaked out. I did the essentials (bottles, tiny baby size sleepsuits, cot mattress etc) shopping online today, hubby has many collections to make at the weekend as if all goes swimmingly we could feasibly be home on Monday. Woo!
I could still be ill, baby could need special care. We have no guarantees. We shall be optimistic today though.
Another day, another outlook altogether...
Well. Consultant visit this morning was with my own assigned consultant, who I have seen for precisely five minutes prior to today, all of which were on last Friday.
He reiterated the unlikelihood of the tumour thing they are testing for. I'm more relaxed about that anyway, in the extremely rare case of the condition, knowing about it is the key, managed it is not particularly dangerous.
I am not to be allowed home, despite begging and proclaiming that *this* does not help reduce my blood pressure. Nor do the drugs much actually. But that is another thing altogether. He said he would like to wait till 37 weeks and that I would have to stay here. I cried.
What the consultant did after speaking to me made everything better.
First of all he discharged the noisiest hypochondriac person in the world who was in the bed opposite, restoring peace and commencing the first of my complete change of room mates as they moved onwards to home or labour and new labouring/sickly ladies arrived throughout the day.
Then he returned to me to tell me that we would go for 36 weeks and subject to theatre availability, a section would be booked around that date.
A booking has now been made. For Friday. This Friday. 3 days away. 2 sleeps after tonight. My daughter will be here in less than 3 days and any guilt I feel at curtailing her gestation is assuaged by the belief that her and I are both at danger if we continue. As an incubator my usefulness is shortly to be finished and medical attention would be better provided out of me.
And 36 weeks is pretty much ok, especially for a girl.
I am now very excited and much less freaked out. I did the essentials (bottles, tiny baby size sleepsuits, cot mattress etc) shopping online today, hubby has many collections to make at the weekend as if all goes swimmingly we could feasibly be home on Monday. Woo!
I could still be ill, baby could need special care. We have no guarantees. We shall be optimistic today though.
Another day, another outlook altogether...
Monday 29 August 2011
Hospital, day 4
I am sick of being in hospital, I don't feel so feeble and really want to be at home now.
Sadly, that isn't happening soon but as I have been better, I'm now out of my cosy private room and into a ward. Good because I am now permitted afternoon visits so I can see my boys, and also because they have things such as patient fetched coffee and a tv room. Bad because there are other people in it and they are noisy. At least these people are ante natal and don't have crying babies with them.
So. The prognosis. Due to the lack of any pre eclampsia symptoms and the bonkers blood pressure, they have decided that it is essential hypertension (that's high blood pressure) and is highlighted by pregnancy rather than caused by it. I'm not sure what implication this has on treatment, hospital stay or delivery, I have a lot of questions for the docs.
Meantime they are trying to establish a cause, blood pressure does not normally behave like this. First up they eliminate the nasty possibilities so I've got a 24 hour test to rule out the worst possibility (a type of tumour called a Pheochromocytoma) which is incredibly rare but serious so must be eliminated.
Based on that I will be here for another two nights minimum. Sigh. And assuming thats negative, I have no idea what happens next. Many questions.
Baby is still well. I am an emotional wreck.
Sadly, that isn't happening soon but as I have been better, I'm now out of my cosy private room and into a ward. Good because I am now permitted afternoon visits so I can see my boys, and also because they have things such as patient fetched coffee and a tv room. Bad because there are other people in it and they are noisy. At least these people are ante natal and don't have crying babies with them.
So. The prognosis. Due to the lack of any pre eclampsia symptoms and the bonkers blood pressure, they have decided that it is essential hypertension (that's high blood pressure) and is highlighted by pregnancy rather than caused by it. I'm not sure what implication this has on treatment, hospital stay or delivery, I have a lot of questions for the docs.
Meantime they are trying to establish a cause, blood pressure does not normally behave like this. First up they eliminate the nasty possibilities so I've got a 24 hour test to rule out the worst possibility (a type of tumour called a Pheochromocytoma) which is incredibly rare but serious so must be eliminated.
Based on that I will be here for another two nights minimum. Sigh. And assuming thats negative, I have no idea what happens next. Many questions.
Baby is still well. I am an emotional wreck.
Sunday 28 August 2011
And so it goes on
Gah. 36 or so hours in hospital and I don't seem to have progressed any. Finally my bp has stabilised with rather a lot of medication, but I don't feel too well. I wouldn't feel good going home yet.
Trouble is, they keep getting my medication so it works and reduces my bp to just the right level, then when it comes to the next dose at the same amount, it doesn't work so well. So I get more, and the more I get, the less well I feel. Contrarily, the only time I feel well is when my bp rockets.
I have been looking up how healthy babies born at 35 weeks are. Advice ranges from the scary "90% of babies survive at this stage" to the reassuring "most babies born after 34 weeks need no special care". Both my niece and step-nephew were born at 35 weeks and both were absolutely fine and home within days.
Tomorrow will see if the doctors have nailed the medication level and then I can go home and take it easy for as long as possible. I'm not too optimistic though. I have a sneaky suspicion I'll be in here and monitored for another week, then baby will be delivered.
We have so much to do before we are ready for baby and whatever happens, I am unlikely to be any use until after she is born. Favours required all round, not least for getting the boys from school (and looking after them while I remain in here) and the logistics of getting everything we need into the house. My parents have cancelled their planned trip to France next week (booked after baby was known to be on her way, I did wonder as to wiseness) which is very nice of them and I hope it doesn't prove unfounded. Well, it'd be nice if it did and baby and I carried on fine until 39 weeks, but it'd be a shame if they had cancelled unnecessarily.
Baby is doing very well, I am pleased to say, and if she is to come early I hope the predictions as to her largeness prove correct. I hope to cook her for longer, but if I cannot then I hope she is well enough developed to be totally well. I will have failed her somewhat when she has done so well and I cannot fulfil the full gestation time. Sigh.
Fears of mortality emerge once more...
Trouble is, they keep getting my medication so it works and reduces my bp to just the right level, then when it comes to the next dose at the same amount, it doesn't work so well. So I get more, and the more I get, the less well I feel. Contrarily, the only time I feel well is when my bp rockets.
I have been looking up how healthy babies born at 35 weeks are. Advice ranges from the scary "90% of babies survive at this stage" to the reassuring "most babies born after 34 weeks need no special care". Both my niece and step-nephew were born at 35 weeks and both were absolutely fine and home within days.
Tomorrow will see if the doctors have nailed the medication level and then I can go home and take it easy for as long as possible. I'm not too optimistic though. I have a sneaky suspicion I'll be in here and monitored for another week, then baby will be delivered.
We have so much to do before we are ready for baby and whatever happens, I am unlikely to be any use until after she is born. Favours required all round, not least for getting the boys from school (and looking after them while I remain in here) and the logistics of getting everything we need into the house. My parents have cancelled their planned trip to France next week (booked after baby was known to be on her way, I did wonder as to wiseness) which is very nice of them and I hope it doesn't prove unfounded. Well, it'd be nice if it did and baby and I carried on fine until 39 weeks, but it'd be a shame if they had cancelled unnecessarily.
Baby is doing very well, I am pleased to say, and if she is to come early I hope the predictions as to her largeness prove correct. I hope to cook her for longer, but if I cannot then I hope she is well enough developed to be totally well. I will have failed her somewhat when she has done so well and I cannot fulfil the full gestation time. Sigh.
Fears of mortality emerge once more...
Saturday 27 August 2011
Day two, hospital
Well, I'm still here in the hospital. I don't feel brilliant, my bp is really high without the medication and I feel a bit ick when I've taken the medication. I seem to need to take two types in combination. They're still working out the dose so I'll be here till at least tomorrow, then I'll hopefully be able to get home and come back once a day as an outpatient.
Spoke to doc this morning and he said that if I was 36 or better 37 weeks then he would be inclined just to deliver baby, but 35 weeks - which is what I am today - is just a little early. I don't think they're going to go past 37 weeks so I've only got 2 weeks or so to go unless my bp stabilises brilliantly, which is unlikely. If it doesn't stabilise at all they may deliver sooner, but baby is better off in just now and they will only deliver if I am significantly less well with her in. She would be fine born now, but better the longer she stays.
He also says they're happy to sterilise me while they're doing the section, but I have to be sure. I'm sure! Nobody has remotely queried the fact that I am to have a section so I feel a lot better about that decision. She doesn't actually seem to be breech today but I'm due a scan on Friday to confirm. Even with a section they prefer to know the lie of the baby.
Didn't sleep much through the night with monitoring and feeling guff, but I spent a good hour or three asleep this morning. Quite enjoying peace and quiet and having food brought to my bed, and I don't really feel well enough to be bored. I have my phone and my kindle, but I'd like my three boys here. The wee boys got a bit bored last night which made the big boy have to take them home after half an hour. I've discovered they are allowed in 2-8, not 3-4 and 7-8 like other visitors, and now I'm in a private room they can hopefully draw and let hubby stay a bit longer.
Baby isn't really co-operating when they try and do a trace of her heartbeat. She moves away from the pad, just like O did! He caused undue headaches during traces when I was at this stage with the boys, and his little sister is exactly the same. I now envisage her to be going to be exactly like he was as a baby. R was such a much easier baby, I was sort of hoping for another chilled baby. O is a delightful and more considerate child, so it's not a bad thing, plus we know what actually settled him so we know what to try.
She may not be like O on the outside, just because she's a wriggler. O will be delighted if she is though. Bless. She may be different from either twin, of course. Time will tell.
Spoke to doc this morning and he said that if I was 36 or better 37 weeks then he would be inclined just to deliver baby, but 35 weeks - which is what I am today - is just a little early. I don't think they're going to go past 37 weeks so I've only got 2 weeks or so to go unless my bp stabilises brilliantly, which is unlikely. If it doesn't stabilise at all they may deliver sooner, but baby is better off in just now and they will only deliver if I am significantly less well with her in. She would be fine born now, but better the longer she stays.
He also says they're happy to sterilise me while they're doing the section, but I have to be sure. I'm sure! Nobody has remotely queried the fact that I am to have a section so I feel a lot better about that decision. She doesn't actually seem to be breech today but I'm due a scan on Friday to confirm. Even with a section they prefer to know the lie of the baby.
Didn't sleep much through the night with monitoring and feeling guff, but I spent a good hour or three asleep this morning. Quite enjoying peace and quiet and having food brought to my bed, and I don't really feel well enough to be bored. I have my phone and my kindle, but I'd like my three boys here. The wee boys got a bit bored last night which made the big boy have to take them home after half an hour. I've discovered they are allowed in 2-8, not 3-4 and 7-8 like other visitors, and now I'm in a private room they can hopefully draw and let hubby stay a bit longer.
Baby isn't really co-operating when they try and do a trace of her heartbeat. She moves away from the pad, just like O did! He caused undue headaches during traces when I was at this stage with the boys, and his little sister is exactly the same. I now envisage her to be going to be exactly like he was as a baby. R was such a much easier baby, I was sort of hoping for another chilled baby. O is a delightful and more considerate child, so it's not a bad thing, plus we know what actually settled him so we know what to try.
She may not be like O on the outside, just because she's a wriggler. O will be delighted if she is though. Bless. She may be different from either twin, of course. Time will tell.
Friday 26 August 2011
Peace
Ugh. Have spent most of the day in the recovery ward surrounded by dazed and confused new parents and crying newborns.
Now I am still in post natal, but I have my own room. Quiet at last. No tv though, they are moving to a new hospital in the new year so they haven't got new TVs or set top boxes for the old hospital. Boo. I shall have to use my data allowance heavily... I have 800Mb left this month, new allowance starts in 6 days. So should be ok to watch online tv a bit.
Blood pressure is still kinda high, which is why I'm still here. They are - obviously - not willing to give me the medication that made the pressure crash so much, but the one they're going with doesn't seem to be working. Until they can stabilise it, I'm to stay in. Yawwwn. Although I have to say I don't feel that well and it is therefore reassuring to be here and checked.
Things that can go wrong with high blood pressure:
They are on high alert for pre-eclampsia as that is v bad for pregnant mamas and if I show symptoms of that - protein in urine, floaters in vision, pain in chest - they will deliver baby.
High blood pressure in itself can lead to kidney problems and even placental abruption, so they definitely want to keep an eye on me, and ideally get me settled with regular pressure. Probably with medication if they can get the dose just right.
Oh, it is sooooo nice to be in a quiet room. I am shortly to get another bp check and then supper which I assume is tea and toast. Yum!
Happier now.
Now I am still in post natal, but I have my own room. Quiet at last. No tv though, they are moving to a new hospital in the new year so they haven't got new TVs or set top boxes for the old hospital. Boo. I shall have to use my data allowance heavily... I have 800Mb left this month, new allowance starts in 6 days. So should be ok to watch online tv a bit.
Blood pressure is still kinda high, which is why I'm still here. They are - obviously - not willing to give me the medication that made the pressure crash so much, but the one they're going with doesn't seem to be working. Until they can stabilise it, I'm to stay in. Yawwwn. Although I have to say I don't feel that well and it is therefore reassuring to be here and checked.
Things that can go wrong with high blood pressure:
They are on high alert for pre-eclampsia as that is v bad for pregnant mamas and if I show symptoms of that - protein in urine, floaters in vision, pain in chest - they will deliver baby.
High blood pressure in itself can lead to kidney problems and even placental abruption, so they definitely want to keep an eye on me, and ideally get me settled with regular pressure. Probably with medication if they can get the dose just right.
Oh, it is sooooo nice to be in a quiet room. I am shortly to get another bp check and then supper which I assume is tea and toast. Yum!
Happier now.
Pressure update
Happy joy joy.
First I was given medication to reduce the crazy blood pressure. That didn't work so I was given another type of medication. Shortly afterwards I started to feel rather odd, then I felt very very unwell and like I was going to pass out/die. My blood pressure was now incredibly low, alarms went off, a medical team was summoned and much flappage went on (was quite sure I may die). Turns out the nurse who gave me the second dose didn't realise I'd had the first so I was given a rapid response drug rather than a slow release one. So crazy high blood pressure went to insanely low blood pressure.
Much fluid was given by drip, I had oxygen for a bit with my bed dipped head downwards. Now, 5 hours later, I feel mildly human. I am to stay in at least for tonight, I sincerely hope just for tonight. Not least as for some reason I'm in the recovery ward, alongside lots of post-section people who want to witter on about the experience and whose babies cry a lot.
Baby is hunky dory I am pleased to say, she doesn't seem to be affected. Although since I moved through here they stopped checking her. Why am I not in ante natal?
Answer: no beds, I guess. Still annoying though.
First I was given medication to reduce the crazy blood pressure. That didn't work so I was given another type of medication. Shortly afterwards I started to feel rather odd, then I felt very very unwell and like I was going to pass out/die. My blood pressure was now incredibly low, alarms went off, a medical team was summoned and much flappage went on (was quite sure I may die). Turns out the nurse who gave me the second dose didn't realise I'd had the first so I was given a rapid response drug rather than a slow release one. So crazy high blood pressure went to insanely low blood pressure.
Much fluid was given by drip, I had oxygen for a bit with my bed dipped head downwards. Now, 5 hours later, I feel mildly human. I am to stay in at least for tonight, I sincerely hope just for tonight. Not least as for some reason I'm in the recovery ward, alongside lots of post-section people who want to witter on about the experience and whose babies cry a lot.
Baby is hunky dory I am pleased to say, she doesn't seem to be affected. Although since I moved through here they stopped checking her. Why am I not in ante natal?
Answer: no beds, I guess. Still annoying though.
Under pressure
Uh oh. Well, my routine appointment this morning confirmed a few things:
My blood pressure is crazy high, but I have no other worrying symptoms.
Baby is breech, so I've to be scanned next Friday (woo!!)
Section is now definite (double woo!)
I am being kept in hospital for monitoring, not sure how long this will be for, but at least overnight.
Not happy. I feel fine (although obviously I am relieved they are keeping an eye on me and baby) and it's a Right Pain to be stuck in here. I also stupidly didn't have any breakfast so I'm starving.
More later...
My blood pressure is crazy high, but I have no other worrying symptoms.
Baby is breech, so I've to be scanned next Friday (woo!!)
Section is now definite (double woo!)
I am being kept in hospital for monitoring, not sure how long this will be for, but at least overnight.
Not happy. I feel fine (although obviously I am relieved they are keeping an eye on me and baby) and it's a Right Pain to be stuck in here. I also stupidly didn't have any breakfast so I'm starving.
More later...
Wednesday 24 August 2011
Blinded by the screen (please)
Oh my. As my mind is made up that I want a caesarean section, and my overactive imagination/madness/heart rate monitoring has baby distinctively not head down - whatever the midwife says - I pondered as to how they get a baby out in a section if it's not head down. As I am now at the watch-all-birth-programmes-incessantly stage of pregnancy, I've seen footage of a fair few c-sections, which go as follows:
Cut through outer mother then inner uterus etc and tear membrane. Allow waters to gush out. Grab baby's head and tug until entire baby comes out. Stand by with sucker to clear airways. Snip cord, make sure baby is breathing and something a lot closer to pink than blue.
So, if head isn't first, which I actually have no reason whatsoever to presume (other than it would be useful for argument's sake if baby wasn't cephalic on Friday), what happens?
I did a silly thing to find out. I asked the Internet and found icky YouTube footage of caesarean delivery of transverse lying babies.
Yuk.
Most of the procedure is as above, except the bit where they ease the head out. If there isn't a head there, the surgeon appears to plunge his hand in, rummage around until he finds some part of baby, then tugs on that. Often the head will then be last out, and the baby is invariably more blue when this happens. It does not look nice, thank heavens for the screen that stops visibility to the mother - and father who is forbidden and unwilling to be at the action end.
I console myself that a) obstetricians tend to know what they're doing, b) both twins were breech so were probably head last, there was two sets of limbs etc to be tugged upon, and they were fine and c) there is no reason to think that baby isn't head first.
People do always say that c-sections feel like someone washing dishes inside you, so I guess there's always an element of rummaging. I so don't want to see it happening to me, it does not ever look reassuring. The commentary from the anaesthetist is far nicer.
Incidentally, the babies that come our the conventional route don't look any healthier or less blue and the mum looks considerably less healthy. I have not been put off.
I was asked today if I was hoping baby'd come early and naturally and I said no. But if she did, and it was quick, and therefore successful, then yes I do. What I don't want is an unsuccessful labour.
Baby's a go go this evening!! Whatever position she was in she sure isn't in it any more!
Cut through outer mother then inner uterus etc and tear membrane. Allow waters to gush out. Grab baby's head and tug until entire baby comes out. Stand by with sucker to clear airways. Snip cord, make sure baby is breathing and something a lot closer to pink than blue.
So, if head isn't first, which I actually have no reason whatsoever to presume (other than it would be useful for argument's sake if baby wasn't cephalic on Friday), what happens?
I did a silly thing to find out. I asked the Internet and found icky YouTube footage of caesarean delivery of transverse lying babies.
Yuk.
Most of the procedure is as above, except the bit where they ease the head out. If there isn't a head there, the surgeon appears to plunge his hand in, rummage around until he finds some part of baby, then tugs on that. Often the head will then be last out, and the baby is invariably more blue when this happens. It does not look nice, thank heavens for the screen that stops visibility to the mother - and father who is forbidden and unwilling to be at the action end.
I console myself that a) obstetricians tend to know what they're doing, b) both twins were breech so were probably head last, there was two sets of limbs etc to be tugged upon, and they were fine and c) there is no reason to think that baby isn't head first.
People do always say that c-sections feel like someone washing dishes inside you, so I guess there's always an element of rummaging. I so don't want to see it happening to me, it does not ever look reassuring. The commentary from the anaesthetist is far nicer.
Incidentally, the babies that come our the conventional route don't look any healthier or less blue and the mum looks considerably less healthy. I have not been put off.
I was asked today if I was hoping baby'd come early and naturally and I said no. But if she did, and it was quick, and therefore successful, then yes I do. What I don't want is an unsuccessful labour.
Baby's a go go this evening!! Whatever position she was in she sure isn't in it any more!
Tuesday 23 August 2011
To be consulted
Or am I doing the consulting? Dunno
I shall be having a consultation with my obstetric consultant on Friday, re: the birthing of baby.
Also included is this fortnight's ante natal check, so unless I suddenly start being muchly unwell and/or I swell up, I'll leave worrying about my BP till then.
And so to prepare for the consultant.
I would like my baby to be delivered by elective c-section for the following reasons:
The rate of successful VBAC is somewhere between 34% and 50% - depending what you read - which means at least 50% end in an emergency c-section. At nearly 37 years old, having never been in labour before (I only got as far as stage one of induction with the twins, and nothing began at all) my own chances of a successful VBAC would be less than this.
An emergency section carries the greatest risk to baby and me, as well as having the longest recovery time. The only sure method to avoid an emergency section is to have a planned one.
My pelvis limits labour options, but not as much as my previous c-section. I cannot be induced or helped along hormonally, nor should I have any form of assisted delivery as both of these increase the chance of uterine rupture or general distress on the part of mother or child. Additionally there are time restraints in a VBAC. The trial is abandoned and a section performed in a number of scenarios of an attempted VBAC. So, the chance of an emergency section is pretty damned high.
Reasons I won't be sharing with the consultant:
Supposedly female obstetricians and GPs have a much higher rate of repeat elective sections than the general population. They have the facts and that is the decision they take.
An entirely vacuous and not vote swinging reason, but I am happy with having a definite date to make arrangements around, and not being left to overcook.
With regards to a trial of labour, that involves, well, waiting, trying and a probable emergency section, having put my body through an unsuccessful labour. If I could know it would work, then yes, I would go for it, but statistically, I'd like to minimise the risk. Baby's health is far more important to me than my experience of being a complete woman etc etc. I do not fear pain or worry about saggy bits (although avoiding them would be nice, I am aware of the udder effect/recovery period from a section). I am not too posh to push, I am too prudent to persevere.
Doesn't quite have the same ring/dismissive tone to it though. Huh.
I shall be having a consultation with my obstetric consultant on Friday, re: the birthing of baby.
Also included is this fortnight's ante natal check, so unless I suddenly start being muchly unwell and/or I swell up, I'll leave worrying about my BP till then.
And so to prepare for the consultant.
I would like my baby to be delivered by elective c-section for the following reasons:
The rate of successful VBAC is somewhere between 34% and 50% - depending what you read - which means at least 50% end in an emergency c-section. At nearly 37 years old, having never been in labour before (I only got as far as stage one of induction with the twins, and nothing began at all) my own chances of a successful VBAC would be less than this.
An emergency section carries the greatest risk to baby and me, as well as having the longest recovery time. The only sure method to avoid an emergency section is to have a planned one.
My pelvis limits labour options, but not as much as my previous c-section. I cannot be induced or helped along hormonally, nor should I have any form of assisted delivery as both of these increase the chance of uterine rupture or general distress on the part of mother or child. Additionally there are time restraints in a VBAC. The trial is abandoned and a section performed in a number of scenarios of an attempted VBAC. So, the chance of an emergency section is pretty damned high.
Reasons I won't be sharing with the consultant:
Supposedly female obstetricians and GPs have a much higher rate of repeat elective sections than the general population. They have the facts and that is the decision they take.
An entirely vacuous and not vote swinging reason, but I am happy with having a definite date to make arrangements around, and not being left to overcook.
With regards to a trial of labour, that involves, well, waiting, trying and a probable emergency section, having put my body through an unsuccessful labour. If I could know it would work, then yes, I would go for it, but statistically, I'd like to minimise the risk. Baby's health is far more important to me than my experience of being a complete woman etc etc. I do not fear pain or worry about saggy bits (although avoiding them would be nice, I am aware of the udder effect/recovery period from a section). I am not too posh to push, I am too prudent to persevere.
Doesn't quite have the same ring/dismissive tone to it though. Huh.
Monday 22 August 2011
Hic
Hiccupping is good they tell me, it indicates that baby's diaphragm is well developed and that she is "breathing" the amniotic fluid.
Hiccupping is however alarming, especially when displayed as frequently as baby hiccups (as did foetal O). Although I did time them for a minute - 21 hics from baby - and that's average supposedly. It FELT like every second or faster, but no.
Foetal stuff is all done quickly.They don't do much. Hiccup, grow, develop, kick and have a heartbeat. All done rapidly.
Although the actions from within do seem more sophisticated than that which a newborn can do. I have my doubts as to any foetus playing with the cord etc as it takes a good number of weeks post birth to master such movement. You'd think the fluid, darkness, immaturity and what not would hinder.
Happily baby seems to have definitely moved around and isn't back to back, so back doesn't ache so badly, but pelvis is sorer again. My bump is smooth again and all seems back to normal. Unless I am mistaken, which is incredibly likely, she is transverse, or sideways as most people recognise, at the moment.
My home BP monitor has my BP crazy high. I feel fine and have no swelling, but if it's still mad tomorrow I'd best get it checked properly. If it is high with their machines I can look forward to perpetual monitoring for the rest of the pregnancy. I'm not unduly worried in light of no other symptoms but I guess I need to double check just in case. Or maybe I'll just wait till I see the consultant* on Friday unless I swell up or feel odd in some way. Heartbeat monitoring scaled up just in case. Well. Y'know.
*Yes, consultant on Friday. I shall pontificate on that topic later.
Hiccupping is however alarming, especially when displayed as frequently as baby hiccups (as did foetal O). Although I did time them for a minute - 21 hics from baby - and that's average supposedly. It FELT like every second or faster, but no.
Foetal stuff is all done quickly.They don't do much. Hiccup, grow, develop, kick and have a heartbeat. All done rapidly.
Although the actions from within do seem more sophisticated than that which a newborn can do. I have my doubts as to any foetus playing with the cord etc as it takes a good number of weeks post birth to master such movement. You'd think the fluid, darkness, immaturity and what not would hinder.
Happily baby seems to have definitely moved around and isn't back to back, so back doesn't ache so badly, but pelvis is sorer again. My bump is smooth again and all seems back to normal. Unless I am mistaken, which is incredibly likely, she is transverse, or sideways as most people recognise, at the moment.
My home BP monitor has my BP crazy high. I feel fine and have no swelling, but if it's still mad tomorrow I'd best get it checked properly. If it is high with their machines I can look forward to perpetual monitoring for the rest of the pregnancy. I'm not unduly worried in light of no other symptoms but I guess I need to double check just in case. Or maybe I'll just wait till I see the consultant* on Friday unless I swell up or feel odd in some way. Heartbeat monitoring scaled up just in case. Well. Y'know.
*Yes, consultant on Friday. I shall pontificate on that topic later.
Sunday 21 August 2011
Stung!
BBQ today, for hubby's work. Which was well organised and catered for, lots for the kids to do but oh boy am I tired. Hard work sitting around eating...
Poor O got stung by (presumably) a wasp and screamed blue murder. We had nothing to put on so we had to cool it with ice and cuddle him until another lady who had been stung also appeared with some cream. Instant fix. It's heartbreaking when your child is hurting and there's nothing you can do!! By the time we'd gathered our thoughts enough to consider making an expedition to get some medication, he was ok.
Poor wee guy. Enjoyed food, have heartburn exactly the same as every other night so may as well have enjoyed it! Pelvis not great, my back/pelvis joint is the primary source of the pain at the moment.
Baby presumably continues to be back to back as her heartbeat is harder to find and sounds further away. And my bump is very knobbly.
Night time sleeping is getting impossible. Daytime sleep is ok, I don't know why?? It makes no sense but does suggest I should look at my evening snackage. Daytime naps are good practice for synching naps with baby when she's born though. Ha. I've always been good at non-standard naps.
This week: prepare bedroom for baby.
Step one: clear out furniture to be collected on Tuesday.
Step two: collect cot etc and place in situ.
Step three: buy mattress.
Step four: reshuffle rest of house to make it fit.
Oh god. If I can find the energy, I am soooooooo tired.
Poor O got stung by (presumably) a wasp and screamed blue murder. We had nothing to put on so we had to cool it with ice and cuddle him until another lady who had been stung also appeared with some cream. Instant fix. It's heartbreaking when your child is hurting and there's nothing you can do!! By the time we'd gathered our thoughts enough to consider making an expedition to get some medication, he was ok.
Poor wee guy. Enjoyed food, have heartburn exactly the same as every other night so may as well have enjoyed it! Pelvis not great, my back/pelvis joint is the primary source of the pain at the moment.
Baby presumably continues to be back to back as her heartbeat is harder to find and sounds further away. And my bump is very knobbly.
Night time sleeping is getting impossible. Daytime sleep is ok, I don't know why?? It makes no sense but does suggest I should look at my evening snackage. Daytime naps are good practice for synching naps with baby when she's born though. Ha. I've always been good at non-standard naps.
This week: prepare bedroom for baby.
Step one: clear out furniture to be collected on Tuesday.
Step two: collect cot etc and place in situ.
Step three: buy mattress.
Step four: reshuffle rest of house to make it fit.
Oh god. If I can find the energy, I am soooooooo tired.
Saturday 20 August 2011
34 weeks done
Oh I am fed up of being pregnant! It's wonderful and life affirming and all that and I do want baby to be fully cooked, but to fast forward to the birth would be marvellous. Well, slightly after the birth ideally. The will-we-both-make-it??!!!! fear is weighing more frequently and I am just soooooo uncomfortable.
Also, I'd like to meet my daughter, I'm getting impatient for that too. I know the time will fly and I must enjoy the last weeks I will ever be pregnant, as well as enjoying the time to snooze and potter round the house. But...
Heartburn is now constant. Walking is the only thing that relieves it and the old pelvis makes that impossible. Pelvis was v sore today, quite probably due to walking further yesterday.
Cough is more frequent. Relieved by inhaler. Not sure how good that is for baby, I am assured it is ok.
General pain from tiny limbs battling for space with ribs etc is getting more or less constant, and urinary frequency is more like urinary perpetuity. The upside of that is that there is never a risk of leakage as emptying will always have just happened. Sigh. So glamorous.
September is nearly here. I have been looking to September since January. We are so very close. I can do it. I don't need to panic.
It is scary.
NB: these thoughts are triggered by some indications that baby may be ready to appear. Nothing concrete such as a show or waters breaking, but niggly things that make me think, hmm. Things that didn't happen with the twins. Loose bowels, backache, leaky nipples, excessive tightening... Could it be? Probably not, but I'm noting it for posterity.
Also, I'd like to meet my daughter, I'm getting impatient for that too. I know the time will fly and I must enjoy the last weeks I will ever be pregnant, as well as enjoying the time to snooze and potter round the house. But...
Heartburn is now constant. Walking is the only thing that relieves it and the old pelvis makes that impossible. Pelvis was v sore today, quite probably due to walking further yesterday.
Cough is more frequent. Relieved by inhaler. Not sure how good that is for baby, I am assured it is ok.
General pain from tiny limbs battling for space with ribs etc is getting more or less constant, and urinary frequency is more like urinary perpetuity. The upside of that is that there is never a risk of leakage as emptying will always have just happened. Sigh. So glamorous.
September is nearly here. I have been looking to September since January. We are so very close. I can do it. I don't need to panic.
It is scary.
NB: these thoughts are triggered by some indications that baby may be ready to appear. Nothing concrete such as a show or waters breaking, but niggly things that make me think, hmm. Things that didn't happen with the twins. Loose bowels, backache, leaky nipples, excessive tightening... Could it be? Probably not, but I'm noting it for posterity.
Friday 19 August 2011
Calm and clear
Baby has been most calm today, which naturally makes me panic. There have been usual stirrings as per text book non-hyper foetuses, and her heartbeat is as normal. 32-34 beats in 15 seconds, which is what it has been since ever I first counted. So no real need to panic, but I do.
I am extraordinarily tired today, I actually slept most of last night - aside from being woken up for snorting which nearly resulted in a broken leg of husband - and still flaked out for another couple of hours during the day. It is marvellous to be able to have that time, school does occupy the children effectively and longly. I am acutely aware of the time I won't have once baby arrives, so I am well and truly relishing maternity leave as it should be.
Although I do have a fair bit to do around the house, but a potter here and a potter there is getting me there. The BHF are collecting the old telly, a dressing table and chair (currently occupying the space where the cot will go) on Tuesday and hopefully I can foist some books upon them as well. At some point between now and baby being about 2/3 months old, we ideally need to rehome the gigantic tv unit so we can accommodate a dining table and playpen in the living room. And at some point early next year we shall do the moving house thing.
Pelvis sore again as I had to walk a fair distance to the school from the car as I was a little late to the school. I do need to arrive super sharp so as to get close. I didn't take the crutches as they slow me down and that was probably an error. Sitting down for a while on my magic cushion has helped as usual though, all is not lost. A quiet day required tomorrow though.
I am extraordinarily tired today, I actually slept most of last night - aside from being woken up for snorting which nearly resulted in a broken leg of husband - and still flaked out for another couple of hours during the day. It is marvellous to be able to have that time, school does occupy the children effectively and longly. I am acutely aware of the time I won't have once baby arrives, so I am well and truly relishing maternity leave as it should be.
Although I do have a fair bit to do around the house, but a potter here and a potter there is getting me there. The BHF are collecting the old telly, a dressing table and chair (currently occupying the space where the cot will go) on Tuesday and hopefully I can foist some books upon them as well. At some point between now and baby being about 2/3 months old, we ideally need to rehome the gigantic tv unit so we can accommodate a dining table and playpen in the living room. And at some point early next year we shall do the moving house thing.
Pelvis sore again as I had to walk a fair distance to the school from the car as I was a little late to the school. I do need to arrive super sharp so as to get close. I didn't take the crutches as they slow me down and that was probably an error. Sitting down for a while on my magic cushion has helped as usual though, all is not lost. A quiet day required tomorrow though.
Thursday 18 August 2011
A view to the future
Oh dear. A many ailment and excessive foetal hiccup worry related night meant I was wide awake from 3-5 am. And so 7.30 came around and it was time to get up, get the boys ready for school and get them and me out of the house in a decent state. Living dead is pretty accurate as to how I was. This is a mild hint as to what it will be like when baby arrives, except there will be a baby to cater for also.
Aiiieeeeee!!
Pelvis watch: it is a LOT better. In the last week I have only needed to use my crutches once and that was after a lengthy time in the car. I am coping with the school run sans crutches and this makes me most pleased. Should baby engage, I may be virtually immobile, but for now, it ok. There's a large array of things I just don't do, bending and walking related mostly, so I guess rest is the key, but it does seem to have eased. Walking hurts so I simply don't walk very far, and when I do, I rest until it stops hurting. Being a cumulative type of hurt, that keeps it in check.
Other symptoms: boobies are going daft again, very sore. I did manage to procure half price proper maternity bras just now though so that should help. I've been wearing sports bras to date and they're not that comfortable any more even with extenders, but I didn't really want to spend lots of cash on something that will last two months at best. Mothercare's sale saved the day.
I seem to have a 45 minute bladder capacity. Which is a right pain, both literally (the sit/stand action hurts) and in terms of planning never to be far from a toilet.
I have decided to make best use of this maternity leave time by, erm, resting. Yes, I have lots of house/baby/nesting things to do, but I can't realistically do more than an hour or two and it does make more sense to do that after school as I need to be awake and relatively interactive anyway.
And so to snooze...
Aiiieeeeee!!
Pelvis watch: it is a LOT better. In the last week I have only needed to use my crutches once and that was after a lengthy time in the car. I am coping with the school run sans crutches and this makes me most pleased. Should baby engage, I may be virtually immobile, but for now, it ok. There's a large array of things I just don't do, bending and walking related mostly, so I guess rest is the key, but it does seem to have eased. Walking hurts so I simply don't walk very far, and when I do, I rest until it stops hurting. Being a cumulative type of hurt, that keeps it in check.
Other symptoms: boobies are going daft again, very sore. I did manage to procure half price proper maternity bras just now though so that should help. I've been wearing sports bras to date and they're not that comfortable any more even with extenders, but I didn't really want to spend lots of cash on something that will last two months at best. Mothercare's sale saved the day.
I seem to have a 45 minute bladder capacity. Which is a right pain, both literally (the sit/stand action hurts) and in terms of planning never to be far from a toilet.
I have decided to make best use of this maternity leave time by, erm, resting. Yes, I have lots of house/baby/nesting things to do, but I can't realistically do more than an hour or two and it does make more sense to do that after school as I need to be awake and relatively interactive anyway.
And so to snooze...
Wednesday 17 August 2011
Sizing up baby
Having been constantly reminded since about conception that I am "large" (usual grump: twins, lardiness etc), I do wonder, not for the first time, if this is a jumbo baby. The midwife agreed that she is clearly a "good size baby" but didn't hazard a guess as to how good. Going on my 3 weeks ahead estimate (ginormous baby rather than advanced baby) that would make her currently around 6lb as opposed to the 4.75lb she should be at this stage, and if delivered at 39 weeks that would make her 8.5lb or so. Based on average baby sizes anyway.
The twins were delivered at 38+6 weeks, and were 7lb 1 and 6lb 2. I've mentioned this already, I'm not sure if the "twins are small" concept stems from the "twins come early" assumption. On average, twins are born at 37 weeks, not 40, and are, on average, smaller than singleton babies.
Whatever, I'm assuming at 39 weeks that baby will be bigger than the twins, which may or may not be inaccurate. She sure feels big, the enormous bump on my front is all baby. Wherever you feel, there's a bit of wriggling baby there.
She's still legs (all 9 of them) forward, I'm doing a spontaneous belly dance most of the time and there's many jabbing reminders of her being alive and kicking. I can't pretend that it's not fabulous, even if it does hurt sometimes. I was treated to a belly boogie when I woke up this morning, no time to worry.
One of the nicest mums from school is pregnant, her baby is due in January and so will be in the same school year as my baby, although probably not the same class. I'm well chuffed, both for her and for me. A new-baby buddy!
The twins were delivered at 38+6 weeks, and were 7lb 1 and 6lb 2. I've mentioned this already, I'm not sure if the "twins are small" concept stems from the "twins come early" assumption. On average, twins are born at 37 weeks, not 40, and are, on average, smaller than singleton babies.
Whatever, I'm assuming at 39 weeks that baby will be bigger than the twins, which may or may not be inaccurate. She sure feels big, the enormous bump on my front is all baby. Wherever you feel, there's a bit of wriggling baby there.
She's still legs (all 9 of them) forward, I'm doing a spontaneous belly dance most of the time and there's many jabbing reminders of her being alive and kicking. I can't pretend that it's not fabulous, even if it does hurt sometimes. I was treated to a belly boogie when I woke up this morning, no time to worry.
One of the nicest mums from school is pregnant, her baby is due in January and so will be in the same school year as my baby, although probably not the same class. I'm well chuffed, both for her and for me. A new-baby buddy!
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Back to back to school
Midwife visit was, as expected, uneventful. All is well. Urine clear, BP normal, no swelling or ickiness. 33 weeks and swell.
Baby is lying with her back to my back, so her limbs are forward. The midwife fathomed this by the number of knobbly parts she could feel. This would account for the apparent increase in movements, I will see and feel all limb movements at the front, the ones at the back I wouldn't see or feel. With her legs and arms nicely to the rear, I'd get bottom and occasional elbow moves. Now I am getting ouchie kicks and punches.
I have the cold. Not happy, colds without cold medication are not fun and this is this pregnancy's fourth cold. Bah. That's what happens when other halves fly on planes and breathe a plane load of germs. Still, I've been germ free since April, I should be grateful for that.
New school year started today, boys are now in p2. Just another day at school, as compared the the first day of p1! They were all "I don't want to go" yesterday but they were up and ready and excited to go extra early this morning. A good day was had by all, not least by me doing very very little. That can't last, there's much to be done, but it was nice.
Baby is lying with her back to my back, so her limbs are forward. The midwife fathomed this by the number of knobbly parts she could feel. This would account for the apparent increase in movements, I will see and feel all limb movements at the front, the ones at the back I wouldn't see or feel. With her legs and arms nicely to the rear, I'd get bottom and occasional elbow moves. Now I am getting ouchie kicks and punches.
I have the cold. Not happy, colds without cold medication are not fun and this is this pregnancy's fourth cold. Bah. That's what happens when other halves fly on planes and breathe a plane load of germs. Still, I've been germ free since April, I should be grateful for that.
New school year started today, boys are now in p2. Just another day at school, as compared the the first day of p1! They were all "I don't want to go" yesterday but they were up and ready and excited to go extra early this morning. A good day was had by all, not least by me doing very very little. That can't last, there's much to be done, but it was nice.
Monday 15 August 2011
Back on the radar
Holiday was lovely, except we were sufficiently remote to have no phone signal at all never mind Internet. Caravans are a good cheap way to get away but minuscule living would get wearing very quickly. I keep pricing up Center Parcs but it is sooo much more expensive than caravans (unless we go in January which I am up for, noone else is). So that was our babymoon, happy time spent chilling and bobbing around the pool and a quite lovely day yesterday at a farm which was mostly a giant outdoor play farm, with animals (mostly goats) as well as grass sledging, bouncy pillows, trikes etc. Investigation reveals a similar set up at a fruit farm (rather than animals) about twenty minutes away. Further investigations (ie going there) required to establish greatness but that could prove to be a favourite place.
Baby has been active, particularly today. Bath time now, and she's going mad! I'm not sure what constitutes frantic movement, but she is worrying sometimes. Hurrah for heart monitor though, one assumes that frantic (distressed) movement would result in an increased heartrate.
I have been rather uncomfortable while away due to a hard bed, hard sofa and lack of bath, but returning to all of the above has made me fine again.
School back tomorrow = school run ugh, but empty days. I am actually rather sad as we've had lovely times together over the summer and I'll miss swimming etc. I may go myself, but probably won't. We could go after school I guess.
Six weeks today baby is due to be delivered and so far we have nowhere to put her. Space needs made and all the equipment placed in situ. Panic! Or not, it's all manageable.
Midwife tomorrow, I expect no excitement. Nothing much has changed, I feel fine.
Baby has been active, particularly today. Bath time now, and she's going mad! I'm not sure what constitutes frantic movement, but she is worrying sometimes. Hurrah for heart monitor though, one assumes that frantic (distressed) movement would result in an increased heartrate.
I have been rather uncomfortable while away due to a hard bed, hard sofa and lack of bath, but returning to all of the above has made me fine again.
School back tomorrow = school run ugh, but empty days. I am actually rather sad as we've had lovely times together over the summer and I'll miss swimming etc. I may go myself, but probably won't. We could go after school I guess.
Six weeks today baby is due to be delivered and so far we have nowhere to put her. Space needs made and all the equipment placed in situ. Panic! Or not, it's all manageable.
Midwife tomorrow, I expect no excitement. Nothing much has changed, I feel fine.
Thursday 11 August 2011
Boing boing goes the baby
Baby has surpassed all previous records of movement. Methinks she had a foot stuck or something as she wriggled and kicked and jiggled something rotten for about an hour - 3 till 4am incidentally - and then there was like a "ping", something flew across the inside of my uterus, then calm was restored. Today she is her usual bouncy self.
Hubby returns today, I am so very happy. Holidays tomorrow, no time to fret and have paranoid panic.
Hubby returns today, I am so very happy. Holidays tomorrow, no time to fret and have paranoid panic.
Wednesday 10 August 2011
Paranoia gaining momentum
My bump confuses me. Baby isn't all that big and none of her joints are very big, but I often have a very solid and rigid lump of bump that feels somewhat like a substantial joint. A foot? Shoulder? Knee? Totally hard and unyielding. Weird. Worrying, sometimes.
So, I've got obsessed with new worries. I am utterly convinced that any time at all spent on my back will cause an immediate cessation of oxygen to baby and the result will be brain damage, most likely in the form of cerebral palsy. Which I am terrified of. More so because baby was perfect at previous scans, so if anything goes wrong it would most likely be because of something I did/am going to do wrong.
What else am I worried about? My mortality again. Regardless of my mothering skills I cannot bear the thought of my own demise and my babies being motherless. The this-baby-wasn't-meant-to-be concept has reared it's ugly paranoid head again and I can't get past thinking that she and I cannot co-exist.
Because no unplanned babies survive... It's utterly illogical. It would be far more sane to think that this baby is clearly meant to be and so will be regardless. I have similar fears for O as twin 2, we only planned for one baby and he came too.
That's not to say I don't have horrors about R and bad things happening to him. I guess this is one of the pitfalls of parenthood. Or just love, I have perpetual fears about their father too.
More whimsical, but at least positive, is the fact that I have always sensed I would have a daughter. I have long envisaged her as a little girl of around 7. I have an image in my head of how she will look, so my subconscious at least acknowledges the likelihood of her growing up. With me around also. When I was pregnant with the boys I could clearly imagine the way they would look, specifically I could see the differences between them, and actually I got it right. Mother's intuition or the mad rambling of a hormonal worrywart?
So, I've got obsessed with new worries. I am utterly convinced that any time at all spent on my back will cause an immediate cessation of oxygen to baby and the result will be brain damage, most likely in the form of cerebral palsy. Which I am terrified of. More so because baby was perfect at previous scans, so if anything goes wrong it would most likely be because of something I did/am going to do wrong.
What else am I worried about? My mortality again. Regardless of my mothering skills I cannot bear the thought of my own demise and my babies being motherless. The this-baby-wasn't-meant-to-be concept has reared it's ugly paranoid head again and I can't get past thinking that she and I cannot co-exist.
Because no unplanned babies survive... It's utterly illogical. It would be far more sane to think that this baby is clearly meant to be and so will be regardless. I have similar fears for O as twin 2, we only planned for one baby and he came too.
That's not to say I don't have horrors about R and bad things happening to him. I guess this is one of the pitfalls of parenthood. Or just love, I have perpetual fears about their father too.
More whimsical, but at least positive, is the fact that I have always sensed I would have a daughter. I have long envisaged her as a little girl of around 7. I have an image in my head of how she will look, so my subconscious at least acknowledges the likelihood of her growing up. With me around also. When I was pregnant with the boys I could clearly imagine the way they would look, specifically I could see the differences between them, and actually I got it right. Mother's intuition or the mad rambling of a hormonal worrywart?
Tuesday 9 August 2011
Navel displacement
My bellybutton has moved!! I have the dent where my navel is located, but the actual nub is a little off to the side. 2 bellybuttons! I did try to take a pic, but ugh.
Missing hubby awfully today. He's not back tomorrow either, it's the next day, and he's to go back next week. I do not know how single mothers do it, although I guess you'd have alternative support. I am very lucky as the alternative support is there should I need to call on it, but I don't usually need to. I do admire women who can constantly manage children on their own, I am acutely aware of not being able to nip out - for bread or similar, I have no need for the pub - unless I take them. Normally I just need to wait till hubby gets home and then it's ok. Also, I got a wave of sadness earlier when I remembered he wasn't coming back tonight, how awful that must be to be abandoned or bereaved and have to remember that it's for every night.
I don't like the glimpse into life without him though, I hope that is not a reality until we are very very very old and ideally I have no idea or have gone first (by a day or so, I don't wish loneliness on him to alleviate my own fears).
Baby was more restful today. Heartbeat good and clear and movements were sufficient to allay concerns. Pelvis was sorer today, baby must be lower as I'm not very heartburny. She also (I think) has periodic hiccups. Which are weird. O hiccupped his way through the last few weeks of pregnancy and into his first few weeks of life. Baby is shaping up to be a mini-O.
Which is ok, he's lovely.
Missing hubby awfully today. He's not back tomorrow either, it's the next day, and he's to go back next week. I do not know how single mothers do it, although I guess you'd have alternative support. I am very lucky as the alternative support is there should I need to call on it, but I don't usually need to. I do admire women who can constantly manage children on their own, I am acutely aware of not being able to nip out - for bread or similar, I have no need for the pub - unless I take them. Normally I just need to wait till hubby gets home and then it's ok. Also, I got a wave of sadness earlier when I remembered he wasn't coming back tonight, how awful that must be to be abandoned or bereaved and have to remember that it's for every night.
I don't like the glimpse into life without him though, I hope that is not a reality until we are very very very old and ideally I have no idea or have gone first (by a day or so, I don't wish loneliness on him to alleviate my own fears).
Baby was more restful today. Heartbeat good and clear and movements were sufficient to allay concerns. Pelvis was sorer today, baby must be lower as I'm not very heartburny. She also (I think) has periodic hiccups. Which are weird. O hiccupped his way through the last few weeks of pregnancy and into his first few weeks of life. Baby is shaping up to be a mini-O.
Which is ok, he's lovely.
Monday 8 August 2011
Mummy's mummy
Well, I survived day one of single parenthood. Didn't like it much, I'll be glad when hubby gets home. I'm a bit unnerved by the riots in London, I hope that doesn't affect him or his journey home on Thursday.
Who's selfish?
My mum came to see me today, on her own which was nice. Much as I adore my still quite new stepfather, I haven't had my mum to myself in a very long time. She was delighted by feeling baby kick an
d by being able to hear her heartbeat. I find it all pretty amazing and I guess it must be mind boggling to have your offspring producing their own offspring. I'm quite traumatised by the whole concept of the children being teenagers and young adults, what with all the dangers they can put themselves in. To consider my little girl, who I am still to meet, being a mother, is quite bonkers. But I was Mum's baby girl once, and here I am, a geriatric mother of three (nearly).
Studies suspended, new dissertation submission date to be April 2012 I think. Note to self: do the bloody thing this time. Although I have taken the decision based on my inability to write well just now or remember things (baby brain), not because it wouldn't have been done.
I miss being clever. I'm sure I used to be.
Who's selfish?
My mum came to see me today, on her own which was nice. Much as I adore my still quite new stepfather, I haven't had my mum to myself in a very long time. She was delighted by feeling baby kick an
d by being able to hear her heartbeat. I find it all pretty amazing and I guess it must be mind boggling to have your offspring producing their own offspring. I'm quite traumatised by the whole concept of the children being teenagers and young adults, what with all the dangers they can put themselves in. To consider my little girl, who I am still to meet, being a mother, is quite bonkers. But I was Mum's baby girl once, and here I am, a geriatric mother of three (nearly).
Studies suspended, new dissertation submission date to be April 2012 I think. Note to self: do the bloody thing this time. Although I have taken the decision based on my inability to write well just now or remember things (baby brain), not because it wouldn't have been done.
I miss being clever. I'm sure I used to be.
Sunday 7 August 2011
A quiet week required
Hubby's going away for work in the morning!! To London(ish)!! He's never had to do that before, I'm feeling most perturbed. He's away till Thursday, then he has to come home as we're going on our hols on Friday, then he's potentially away back down south again next Tuesday. We get back on Monday, Tuesday is Back to School.
I'm quite envious of him, he flies down tomorrow morning. His taxi arrives at 4.20am which is less good. But staying in a hotel is nice and rather exciting. I've usually been the one who does trips and stuff, this time I'm at home being mummy.
If I wasn't pregnant we could potentially have tagged along, but I am so we can't. Boo.
Tomorrow I shall get my options for not submitting my dissertation. Failing isn't one of those options though, so that's something. I would have had a nervous breakdown this week on my own with that still to finish, although I've done nothing since Thursday when I decided to ask for non-submission advice.
No more false labour signs, all is normal. Nothing much to report in the pregnancy progression other than my nipples are producing minuscule drops of moisture, so breastfeeding may be on the cards.
7 weeks tomorrow and she'll be here, hopefully hopefully. My consultant "chat about the birth" appointment has been changed to 35 weeks as hubby might not be here at 34.
My last week with my little chums, I've actually enjoyed having them home for the summer holidays. None of us want them to be over!
I'm quite envious of him, he flies down tomorrow morning. His taxi arrives at 4.20am which is less good. But staying in a hotel is nice and rather exciting. I've usually been the one who does trips and stuff, this time I'm at home being mummy.
If I wasn't pregnant we could potentially have tagged along, but I am so we can't. Boo.
Tomorrow I shall get my options for not submitting my dissertation. Failing isn't one of those options though, so that's something. I would have had a nervous breakdown this week on my own with that still to finish, although I've done nothing since Thursday when I decided to ask for non-submission advice.
No more false labour signs, all is normal. Nothing much to report in the pregnancy progression other than my nipples are producing minuscule drops of moisture, so breastfeeding may be on the cards.
7 weeks tomorrow and she'll be here, hopefully hopefully. My consultant "chat about the birth" appointment has been changed to 35 weeks as hubby might not be here at 34.
My last week with my little chums, I've actually enjoyed having them home for the summer holidays. None of us want them to be over!
Saturday 6 August 2011
Ow ow ow not yet thank you
32 weeks today! Hurrah!
And I hurt. A lot. In the just below the rib area, periodically tightening and being very very sore.
I don't think this is a sign of anything labourlike, I assume this is big time Braxton Hicks, but owwwwww!! But I also have backache and a touch of the runs, so I've been looking up "premature labour" and "survival at 32 weeks". Ahem.
I think I'd be more sore if it was the real thing, although I do believe it starts mildly.
Ow. Owwww. Owwwwwwwww!
Baby seems to be twisting and turning a lot. She was distinctly sideways earlier, which hurt my sides, now she seems to be shifting again. Ow. I have hard knee like parts sticking out of my belly.
Oh ow. It hurts again. I'm sure this isn't it, it's too early and not sore enough as per the childbirth experts, but I'm not entirely sure if I will get any sleep. Ow.
Reasons why it's almost certainly not labour:
1) I'm only 32 weeks
2) I carried twins to term. They are meant to come early
3) I'm not screaming.
4) I don't smoke
5) I don't drink
6) I'm not obese or underweight
7) I'm not malnourished
However,
1) It hurts
2) I do/did have gum disease
3) I have a lot of aspartame on a daily basis
(both these things apparently contribute to premature delivery)
4) Backache+runs+v sore hardening uterus could mean it is it.
I don't want her to come yet. The thought of her being in hospital and not in me or with me is awful. She would almost certainly be ok after a stay in hospital if she was born now, but I really don't want her to be out of me and in an incubator. I wish to incubate her myself for a while yet.
Besides, hubby is all set for his business trip next week (which he obvs would cancel in light of birthing taking place) and we're to be going away next weekend. Irrelevant in the face of healthy baby, but still, timing not good. In three weeks time it'd be ok, five weeks would be absolutely fine. And not coming till she's meant to would be best, if painful in the meantime.
I'm being paranoid, I know I am, but it is alarming. I get very very sore, then not sore at all. Then a short time later, sore again. Braxton Hicks or baby athletics. I'm sure. Sure I'm sure.
And I hurt. A lot. In the just below the rib area, periodically tightening and being very very sore.
I don't think this is a sign of anything labourlike, I assume this is big time Braxton Hicks, but owwwwww!! But I also have backache and a touch of the runs, so I've been looking up "premature labour" and "survival at 32 weeks". Ahem.
I think I'd be more sore if it was the real thing, although I do believe it starts mildly.
Ow. Owwww. Owwwwwwwww!
Baby seems to be twisting and turning a lot. She was distinctly sideways earlier, which hurt my sides, now she seems to be shifting again. Ow. I have hard knee like parts sticking out of my belly.
Oh ow. It hurts again. I'm sure this isn't it, it's too early and not sore enough as per the childbirth experts, but I'm not entirely sure if I will get any sleep. Ow.
Reasons why it's almost certainly not labour:
1) I'm only 32 weeks
2) I carried twins to term. They are meant to come early
3) I'm not screaming.
4) I don't smoke
5) I don't drink
6) I'm not obese or underweight
7) I'm not malnourished
However,
1) It hurts
2) I do/did have gum disease
3) I have a lot of aspartame on a daily basis
(both these things apparently contribute to premature delivery)
4) Backache+runs+v sore hardening uterus could mean it is it.
I don't want her to come yet. The thought of her being in hospital and not in me or with me is awful. She would almost certainly be ok after a stay in hospital if she was born now, but I really don't want her to be out of me and in an incubator. I wish to incubate her myself for a while yet.
Besides, hubby is all set for his business trip next week (which he obvs would cancel in light of birthing taking place) and we're to be going away next weekend. Irrelevant in the face of healthy baby, but still, timing not good. In three weeks time it'd be ok, five weeks would be absolutely fine. And not coming till she's meant to would be best, if painful in the meantime.
I'm being paranoid, I know I am, but it is alarming. I get very very sore, then not sore at all. Then a short time later, sore again. Braxton Hicks or baby athletics. I'm sure. Sure I'm sure.
Friday 5 August 2011
Up and down.
I seem to have noticed a pattern. When my pelvis hurts a lot, my ribs don't. When my ribs hurt a lot, my pelvis is eased. The rib pain is actually more uncomfortable as it is accompanied by severe indigestion, and doesn't go away whatever I do. Although the pelvis pain is much worse, I have means to relieve that and if I don't have to walk anywhere, I'm ok.
Anyways, I assume baby is shifting higher and lower, or turning, or something, which is what affects the location of the discomfort. She is still about half the size she will be at term, so I guess I'll be mighty sore by then, possibly high and low simultaneously. Oh, the joys.
I may add that any relief of the pelvic pain vanishes upon leaving the house and doing any walking at all. Very sore again, and walking is still sore on an indigestion day even if sitting is easier.
I'm still big, as I was told today. $$>>€}^]€\!}+~!!! Why comment? What's the point of saying it again and again? Does it mean, oh you must be further on, or oh you are a fatto, or oh you must be having a massive baby???? I've been consistently the same amount big and it's really doing my head in whenever anyone says. I'm not abnormally big - like I was with the twins. I'm not fat anywhere else, you get a LOT of fat arses in the third trimester. So, comments are pointless. There is a range of ok, and I am within it. Today's was at the end of a discussion/monologue from me as to why I want a caesarean, ending with "you are big though" from chief big bump watcher, so I'm not sure if that was a reference to the unlikelihood of elephantine child fitting through my waif-like* pelvis or not.
*I wasn't skinny btw, I was about 2lb over the normal weight range. Not exactly vast, but not skinny. I stopped dieting when I was 7lb within the range, then put on 9lb over the next year and a bit.
On the caesarean thing, I am feeling a little narked at the insinuation that only childbirth is real pain. In an obtuse way I almost want to feel it so I can say, actual that is, or isn't, akin to needing two years of tramadol for a neck injury or the shooting pain of toothache. There's something awful about pain that's present day after day after day after day and labour is short lived, even a ridiculously long labour is a few days.
I fully sympathise with men, although they are wusses. My hubby had a kidney infection last year and was howling in pain, convinced he was dying. He whimpered to me, UTI veteran, "is this what you have?" to which the answer is yes, frequently. I still maintain an abscess in my tooth was the sorest thing I have ever experienced, more than the neck or the pelvis or any kidney infection. I'd like to see the "childbirth" brigade talk to an injured soldier. Huh.
Thats me all ranted out.
32 weeks tomorrow, week 33 awaits and we are so nearly there.
AIEEEEEEE!!! I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!!!
Note: dissertation abandoned. Stress related, I hope to submit at a later date. I will hear back next week.
Anyways, I assume baby is shifting higher and lower, or turning, or something, which is what affects the location of the discomfort. She is still about half the size she will be at term, so I guess I'll be mighty sore by then, possibly high and low simultaneously. Oh, the joys.
I may add that any relief of the pelvic pain vanishes upon leaving the house and doing any walking at all. Very sore again, and walking is still sore on an indigestion day even if sitting is easier.
I'm still big, as I was told today. $$>>€}^]€\!}+~!!! Why comment? What's the point of saying it again and again? Does it mean, oh you must be further on, or oh you are a fatto, or oh you must be having a massive baby???? I've been consistently the same amount big and it's really doing my head in whenever anyone says. I'm not abnormally big - like I was with the twins. I'm not fat anywhere else, you get a LOT of fat arses in the third trimester. So, comments are pointless. There is a range of ok, and I am within it. Today's was at the end of a discussion/monologue from me as to why I want a caesarean, ending with "you are big though" from chief big bump watcher, so I'm not sure if that was a reference to the unlikelihood of elephantine child fitting through my waif-like* pelvis or not.
*I wasn't skinny btw, I was about 2lb over the normal weight range. Not exactly vast, but not skinny. I stopped dieting when I was 7lb within the range, then put on 9lb over the next year and a bit.
On the caesarean thing, I am feeling a little narked at the insinuation that only childbirth is real pain. In an obtuse way I almost want to feel it so I can say, actual that is, or isn't, akin to needing two years of tramadol for a neck injury or the shooting pain of toothache. There's something awful about pain that's present day after day after day after day and labour is short lived, even a ridiculously long labour is a few days.
I fully sympathise with men, although they are wusses. My hubby had a kidney infection last year and was howling in pain, convinced he was dying. He whimpered to me, UTI veteran, "is this what you have?" to which the answer is yes, frequently. I still maintain an abscess in my tooth was the sorest thing I have ever experienced, more than the neck or the pelvis or any kidney infection. I'd like to see the "childbirth" brigade talk to an injured soldier. Huh.
Thats me all ranted out.
32 weeks tomorrow, week 33 awaits and we are so nearly there.
AIEEEEEEE!!! I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!!!
Note: dissertation abandoned. Stress related, I hope to submit at a later date. I will hear back next week.
Thursday 4 August 2011
Wriggle and jiggles and tickles inside
They tell me that movements will be less and less now as baby sleeps more and has less room to move. Yes, baby has less room, no baby doesn't move less. Baby just moves me too. She hasn't read the books.
O never slowed down his foetal movements, and it was about this stage he started the hiccups that lasted until after he was born. O is a very active child.
Baby has indeed had a most hyperactive day, almost all day. She does seem to sleep when I do so if that continues after birth, hurrah!
In true form, after declaring my pelvis to be a bit better, it's been damned sore today and I haven't left the house.
Hubby is to be away on business most of next week and the week after. This makes me a little twitchy. I don't expect anything to happen, but I'd rather he wasn't a flight away if it did. Besides, I've never been away from him for three nights since before we were married. It's good for his career, and peace for my final dissertation week, but :-(
Had my fill of relatives today, want to move far far away. If business continues down south, I'll cheerfully up sticks.
After baby is born. Baby will be Scottish; a Fifer, but still a Scot.
O never slowed down his foetal movements, and it was about this stage he started the hiccups that lasted until after he was born. O is a very active child.
Baby has indeed had a most hyperactive day, almost all day. She does seem to sleep when I do so if that continues after birth, hurrah!
In true form, after declaring my pelvis to be a bit better, it's been damned sore today and I haven't left the house.
Hubby is to be away on business most of next week and the week after. This makes me a little twitchy. I don't expect anything to happen, but I'd rather he wasn't a flight away if it did. Besides, I've never been away from him for three nights since before we were married. It's good for his career, and peace for my final dissertation week, but :-(
Had my fill of relatives today, want to move far far away. If business continues down south, I'll cheerfully up sticks.
After baby is born. Baby will be Scottish; a Fifer, but still a Scot.
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Getting there
Hmm. My pelvis doesn't hurt so badly. Today I stayed in all day - lots of dissertation written, yay me! - until 11pm when I popped into tesco for some lunch things for tomorrow. It didn't hurt too much and when I think about it, it's not been agony for a while. I read somewhere that PGP can ease off a bit after 30 weeks so maybe it's better. Or maybe by not walking anywhere much at all, and much cushion using, it's just not had the cumulative pain building up. The pain is definitely worse the more I do, so by not doing the walking/stair climbing etc, I should theoretically be ok.
School back in two weeks, we'll find out then for sure.
In other news, today a kindly friend brought me her daughter's newborn clothes etc. 4 bin bags full of gorgeous tiny pink sleepsuits and what not. I did coo over them, especially the Christmas ones.
Little baby at Christmas, I can't wait! My big babies were a week off their first birthday by their first Christmas so were past the looking adorable in ridiculous attire stage. Still adorable, less Anne Geddes like.
We are doing well for stuff.
Cot: at friend's house, needs new mattress
Buggy/carseat/carrycot: in shop, requires payment and collection
Bouncy chair: promised by aunt
Infant rocker: at friend's house
Baby bath: at friend's house
Steriliser: in loft
Changebag: in wardrobe
Changing unit: shelf part in loft, chest part requires replacement for boys.
Clothes: now sorted, also bedding and wrap-to-carry-baby-sling-thing
Changemat: got
Toys: got
Bumbo: at aunt's house
Playpen: at aunt's house
Stairgate: behind bedroom door for no good reason.
Is that all?
We need to get:
Boys' new chest
Cot mattress
Bottles, bottle brush, dishwasher basket, second kettle
Bath support
Plus later we need a highchair and maybe other stuff. Santa can sort that.
That's not a lot. We also need to get the rooms sorted and swapped over.
What we don't need is gifts, but people are unfailingly generous when it comes to babies. Sigh. And I know fine well I'd be right stroppy if they didn't. Oops.
Boots tokens for make up. That'd be nice :-)
School back in two weeks, we'll find out then for sure.
In other news, today a kindly friend brought me her daughter's newborn clothes etc. 4 bin bags full of gorgeous tiny pink sleepsuits and what not. I did coo over them, especially the Christmas ones.
Little baby at Christmas, I can't wait! My big babies were a week off their first birthday by their first Christmas so were past the looking adorable in ridiculous attire stage. Still adorable, less Anne Geddes like.
We are doing well for stuff.
Cot: at friend's house, needs new mattress
Buggy/carseat/carrycot: in shop, requires payment and collection
Bouncy chair: promised by aunt
Infant rocker: at friend's house
Baby bath: at friend's house
Steriliser: in loft
Changebag: in wardrobe
Changing unit: shelf part in loft, chest part requires replacement for boys.
Clothes: now sorted, also bedding and wrap-to-carry-baby-sling-thing
Changemat: got
Toys: got
Bumbo: at aunt's house
Playpen: at aunt's house
Stairgate: behind bedroom door for no good reason.
Is that all?
We need to get:
Boys' new chest
Cot mattress
Bottles, bottle brush, dishwasher basket, second kettle
Bath support
Plus later we need a highchair and maybe other stuff. Santa can sort that.
That's not a lot. We also need to get the rooms sorted and swapped over.
What we don't need is gifts, but people are unfailingly generous when it comes to babies. Sigh. And I know fine well I'd be right stroppy if they didn't. Oops.
Boots tokens for make up. That'd be nice :-)
Tuesday 2 August 2011
Emotions
Babies make me cry.
They don't usually, I recall being like this when I was close to having the boys. The sight of a newborn, especially if I see footage of it actually being born, has this bizarre response of being really tearful. I don't know if this is a result of a bonkers mix of hormones and tiredness, or if it's a overwhelming sense of OH MY GOD I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE SOON!!!
Older babies I don't seem to have a problem with. Just teeny tiny ones. I'm sure I felt the same emotion when I saw my own newborns, but that was mixed in with unadulterated joy and relief as well as the tearfulness.
I may add that the tears aren't actually shed, they just threaten.
All my emotions are heightened, I'm quick to lose my temper, over worried about things and generally fretsome and grumpy.
Today's worry is down to a very obviously upset tummy. I don't think I've eaten anything potentially harmful, but there's always the worry. Or it could be a sign of impending labour too early. The Braxton Hicks are fairly frequent; each time I am now thinking, is it real? Could it be? It doss hurt a lot sometimes.
The lady from my online group who had her baby at 31+5 weeks had a condition called acute fatty liver of pregnancy, which sounds horrendous, and can only be cured by delivery. Poor soul has had this in all three of her pregnancies, which seems extraordinarily unfair.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acute_fatty_liver_of_pregnancy
Point being, it wasn't a spontaneous labour. I seem to be in good health (although don't want to tempt fate) so early delivery shouldn't be required. Spontaneous early labour, well that's a whole different worry.
Hang on in little girl, a few more weeks yet.
They don't usually, I recall being like this when I was close to having the boys. The sight of a newborn, especially if I see footage of it actually being born, has this bizarre response of being really tearful. I don't know if this is a result of a bonkers mix of hormones and tiredness, or if it's a overwhelming sense of OH MY GOD I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE SOON!!!
Older babies I don't seem to have a problem with. Just teeny tiny ones. I'm sure I felt the same emotion when I saw my own newborns, but that was mixed in with unadulterated joy and relief as well as the tearfulness.
I may add that the tears aren't actually shed, they just threaten.
All my emotions are heightened, I'm quick to lose my temper, over worried about things and generally fretsome and grumpy.
Today's worry is down to a very obviously upset tummy. I don't think I've eaten anything potentially harmful, but there's always the worry. Or it could be a sign of impending labour too early. The Braxton Hicks are fairly frequent; each time I am now thinking, is it real? Could it be? It doss hurt a lot sometimes.
The lady from my online group who had her baby at 31+5 weeks had a condition called acute fatty liver of pregnancy, which sounds horrendous, and can only be cured by delivery. Poor soul has had this in all three of her pregnancies, which seems extraordinarily unfair.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acute_fatty_liver_of_pregnancy
Point being, it wasn't a spontaneous labour. I seem to be in good health (although don't want to tempt fate) so early delivery shouldn't be required. Spontaneous early labour, well that's a whole different worry.
Hang on in little girl, a few more weeks yet.
Monday 1 August 2011
Free!
My boys are away for part 2 of their summer break to their grandparents, also known as giving me peace to get on with my dissertation (which involves staying up till the wee hours and sleeping till lunchtime mostly, I am 400% more creative after midnight for no good reason, always have been). It feels a bit like I'm offloading them again, but it was always planned that they would go again, they will only have been away for 4 nights all summer, and they were to go again when the National Museum of Scotland reopened which was just last week.
So I am free, if feeling a little bereft. They just headed off this morning so it's a bit like them being at school at the moment, 3pm with no school run will be joyous, then everything will feel odd.
The second part of free is that I managed to procure Sainsburys Mum and Baby bundle. It's ace, a very attractive changing mat with pockets (godsend if you don't want to lug a whole changing bag, and it conveniently stores nappies, wipes and sacks), as well as some samples of things. I like.
And now, I must get on with my dissertation...
So I am free, if feeling a little bereft. They just headed off this morning so it's a bit like them being at school at the moment, 3pm with no school run will be joyous, then everything will feel odd.
The second part of free is that I managed to procure Sainsburys Mum and Baby bundle. It's ace, a very attractive changing mat with pockets (godsend if you don't want to lug a whole changing bag, and it conveniently stores nappies, wipes and sacks), as well as some samples of things. I like.
And now, I must get on with my dissertation...
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