My bump confuses me. Baby isn't all that big and none of her joints are very big, but I often have a very solid and rigid lump of bump that feels somewhat like a substantial joint. A foot? Shoulder? Knee? Totally hard and unyielding. Weird. Worrying, sometimes.
So, I've got obsessed with new worries. I am utterly convinced that any time at all spent on my back will cause an immediate cessation of oxygen to baby and the result will be brain damage, most likely in the form of cerebral palsy. Which I am terrified of. More so because baby was perfect at previous scans, so if anything goes wrong it would most likely be because of something I did/am going to do wrong.
What else am I worried about? My mortality again. Regardless of my mothering skills I cannot bear the thought of my own demise and my babies being motherless. The this-baby-wasn't-meant-to-be concept has reared it's ugly paranoid head again and I can't get past thinking that she and I cannot co-exist.
Because no unplanned babies survive... It's utterly illogical. It would be far more sane to think that this baby is clearly meant to be and so will be regardless. I have similar fears for O as twin 2, we only planned for one baby and he came too.
That's not to say I don't have horrors about R and bad things happening to him. I guess this is one of the pitfalls of parenthood. Or just love, I have perpetual fears about their father too.
More whimsical, but at least positive, is the fact that I have always sensed I would have a daughter. I have long envisaged her as a little girl of around 7. I have an image in my head of how she will look, so my subconscious at least acknowledges the likelihood of her growing up. With me around also. When I was pregnant with the boys I could clearly imagine the way they would look, specifically I could see the differences between them, and actually I got it right. Mother's intuition or the mad rambling of a hormonal worrywart?
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