I feel so pleased. I have always imagined a daughter. Although we had decided that we were stopping with two, I could not shake the image of a daughter. Somehow I knew I would be pregnant again, and I knew she would be a girl.
And now I know the life inside me is a girl, and that she is perfect and growing as she should be, and I feel so happy. I wished for twin boys, I wished for a little girl. If I never achieve any other dreams, I will still be content.
But that level of contentment brings with it the worry. Life isn't that kind, surely?
Last night I dreamt I had given birth while I was away, and the people who had delivered my baby didn't tell me for a few days. The baby was fine but I was freaked out and very angry at the people for not telling me. She had been born now, at 20 weeks, and I was most angry that she hadn't been given hospital care. But she was fine. I woke up as I pondered the logic in giving birth while not present, feeling most disturbed. 7am saw me checking the heartbeat.
Possibly just a fear of what may show at the scan. Which was fine.
The other thing that really niggles me is that we weren't trying, I was on the pill, and so I feel a bit that she isn't meant to be and I am cheating somehow. If so, then either she or I will come to grief as the world will be out of balance.
This is 3am logic. As it is not 3am I can reason that both he and I were aware that all was not well with the pill and yet we still went for it, so it could have been a subconscious desire to conceive. If she is meant to be, and we go with that belief then she had to happen. I joke that I wished her into being, I certainly wished for her.
But theres negativity. In the book I just read, a young mother died in childbirth. What actually happened was that she had a placental abruption at 30 weeks and then haemorrhaged. She had a rare blood type and yada yada. She died. I panicked. That could be me. So I looked up rates of maternal morbidity and it's 8 in 10,000, or 100,000 or something. Not very high.
Higher for emergency sections. I am back on the elective section choice for now.
The book featured another mother dying in an accident when her daughter was three and her son a newborn. More freakage from me, I am terrified of dying and leaving my children without a mother at any stage. It even pains me to think of them dealing with it when I am really old and done.
As if the book wasn't done with my worry, the newborn son then died a cot death at 6 months.
I am so happy to be having a daughter. Please let us be together. I'm not sure who I'm asking but I'm in a fate and whatnot frame of mind so who indeed knows? I should re-read Marian Keyes' The Brightest Star in the Sky, that fits with my happy thoughts.
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