Differences

There is nearly 6 years between the twins and E so my memory may not be true, but the differences between them is are endless. Even taking into consideration that they are boys and twins and she is neither, it still astonishes me how little she does as they did.

Toy wise, E is joyfully embracing toys that are virtually pristine due to the boys showing no interest in them whatsoever.
The boys had linky loops which look like this



These were purchased with the idea that toys could be attached by these to things to stop them being dropped. Turned out they were the best toy ever in themselves and they boys adored holding them and experimentally chewing them.

So we bought new ones for E. She hasn't shown any interest in them at all other than the generic procedure of everything being tasted at least once.

Not so for the logical next step in loop discovery, again from ELC and called Lots of Loops.

This was purchased for the boys and totally ignored by them. I deduced it was too heavy for them to lift comfortably.

Not true. Little E was given this to investigate when she had just mastered gripping things, and within seconds she was lying on her back holding it over her and joyously chewing on it. It remains one of her favourites.

The boys both had dummies as teething relief, O had a dummy pretty much from birth until he was 3, R had one just for teething. E does not like dummies one bit and won't take one, even though she is desperate for something to clamp her aching gums onto. So she seeks things to bite on a lot more than they did and is often found chewing on a removed sock or similar. Soft toys are a favourite as she can bite them without hurting herself.

Today I unearthed a rattle the boys had rejected and she pounced on it joyfully; a soft padded "dog" with clattery shapes around the loop of the "face".

I would have said that the twins were as different as can be, but they mostly liked the same toys as babies. Not so true as they got older and O discovered cars, which have never inspired R. Admittedly as twins they may have rejected a toy, then seen it being played with by their twin and reconsidered it.

Nothing is as fun as something your twin wants. Or maybe that's just my twins? E is experiencing the frustration of the youngest: constantly wanting what the older siblings have. I relate to this as the youngest, although I only have the one older brother and feel quite sorry for future E and her inevitable teasing.

With chalk and cheese twins, I had hopes for E being like one or other of them, but so far it isn't looking likely.

Zzzz zzzz

E has the cold. E has slept badly and been grumpy since Sunday night, coinciding badly with hubby's return to work on Monday.

Tired much.

But I don't mind much, even though I may be a danger when out and about. Not being a great sleeper, spending nights cuddling my gorgeous wee girl isn't a hardship.

E continues to astonish with her alertness and general brilliance. I fear I may be experiencing first born syndrome with my first singleton, purely because I have time to sit and cuddle her and simply watch her be. The twins, while amazing and gorgeous also, were both overwhelming and a duo, so I could not just watch and cuddle them incessantly.

I am tired though. I cannot go to bed early. This makes me stupid, I know this. I don't change though. Bedtime is currently about midnight however which is a vast improvement on usual. Usual doesn't however normally have me awake 3 till 5.

Monday is the day I expected E to be born. I may feel more balanced after it has passed. Maybe.

And now, to sleep perchance to dream.

Sizing up baby

Having been constantly reminded since about conception that I am "large" (usual grump: twins, lardiness etc), I do wonder, not for the first time, if this is a jumbo baby. The midwife agreed that she is clearly a "good size baby" but didn't hazard a guess as to how good. Going on my 3 weeks ahead estimate (ginormous baby rather than advanced baby) that would make her currently around 6lb as opposed to the 4.75lb she should be at this stage, and if delivered at 39 weeks that would make her 8.5lb or so. Based on average baby sizes anyway.

The twins were delivered at 38+6 weeks, and were 7lb 1 and 6lb 2. I've mentioned this already, I'm not sure if the "twins are small" concept stems from the "twins come early" assumption. On average, twins are born at 37 weeks, not 40, and are, on average, smaller than singleton babies.

Whatever, I'm assuming at 39 weeks that baby will be bigger than the twins, which may or may not be inaccurate. She sure feels big, the enormous bump on my front is all baby. Wherever you feel, there's a bit of wriggling baby there.

She's still legs (all 9 of them) forward, I'm doing a spontaneous belly dance most of the time and there's many jabbing reminders of her being alive and kicking. I can't pretend that it's not fabulous, even if it does hurt sometimes. I was treated to a belly boogie when I woke up this morning, no time to worry.

One of the nicest mums from school is pregnant, her baby is due in January and so will be in the same school year as my baby, although probably not the same class. I'm well chuffed, both for her and for me. A new-baby buddy!

Bust-a-myth

It's a funny business the whole having-a-baby one. Through both pregnancies I've been quite simply amazed by some beliefs/attitudes/plans with regards to childbirth.

Today I have been reading the importance of bonding. Pah!

Skin to skin bonding isn't all that possible with two babies, so when my twins were born, I got O to bond with, and Daddy got R. O didn't ever suckle - despite every effort to encourage him - so that didn't work, and from about 6 hours after birth, R screamed the hospital down if he looked up into any face that wasn't his mummy's. Until about the age of four and a half, R was through and through a mummy's boy. Sociable and friendly, but firmly fixed on me as his number one. O, on the other hand, was the opposite. Clingy when it was just us, but if there was another option, Daddy, Granny or one of his finite selection of approved people. He would go nuts if I went to take him out of the carseat if Daddy was there. That's the one who bonded with me.

A friend of mine had her baby under general anaesthetic, after a long and traumatic labour. She had no issues with bonding either.

I firmly believe that feelings of failure and disappointment are due to expectations and the bombardment of what-you-must-do. We are led to believe that a natural birth is better, although we are thankfully not brainwashed. We are told firmly that bonding and immediate suckling are essential. And we are genuinely brainwashed into believing breast is best, to the extent that mothers are loathe to even offer a top up of formula.

Leave us alone!

We want to survive, we want a healthy child. How we get there is NOT IMPORTANT.

Nothing's changed baby bump wise, I needs the odd rant

Taste the difference

There is lots and lots written about babies' tastes and the profound changes a mother can inflict. Much learned from observing rats, incidentally.

If you were to believe all that is written, the following are true:

1) babies "learn" flavours from the amniotic fluid, therefore they will have a fondness towards that which the mother enjoys during pregnancy.

2) flavours must be introduced during the weaning process.

I beg to differ.

My twins, obviously, shared the same amniotic fluid. I ate a very limited diet during my pregnancy with them as I couldn't eat much. I drank gallons of milk and ate a lot of cheese. I ate pasta with tomato sauces, and a lot of fruit. I didn't like sweet things at all.

At weaning, I introduced new foods to both of them at the same time. If both babies didn't eat a food, I would amend it for both of them. For example, Rob wasn't keen on broccoli or other veg, so I combined them with pear, which he did like, and both babies got the mixture. They ate the same thing at each and every meal until they were able to pick out items they didn't like. For them, this was quite old.

Based on this they should have the exact same tastes.

Nuh uh.

R loves cheese and fruit. He doesn't like vegetables of virtually any description. He adores ham and has an extraordinarily sweet tooth. He doesn't like pasta much and he loathes tomatoes in any form other than ketchup.

O likes nothing more than salad. He will eat tomatoes and cucumber in favour of most things. He loves vegetables, he is particularly fond of mange tout. He would eat pasta with tomato sauce every night for tea. He isn't hugely keen on cheese and can take or leave milk. He can't stand ham and likes sweet things fine enough, but not as much as kids usually do.

Not the same at all. What they do share is more or less the tastes of their parents. R likes what daddy does, and O likes what mummy does. This is not because they have copied, they still don't eat with us for logistical reasons, and daddy has not been involved in weaning or very much feeding - I am in charge of food.

I can therefore conclude on the evidence of my limited study that the evidence from rats and conjecture is bull and that tastes are largely genetic.

Which does give a lot of credence to baby led weaning. The main argument against the premise of giving the baby a selection of foods is that they will not try all the foods but will go for the ones they know they like. If this can't be changed, then how brilliant to let them choose and decide from an early age.

I shall have to read up on it, the whole concept of baby-led weaning goes against the weaning principles of 5/6 years ago. I fear a wee mashed banana may figure before 6 months however which is the recommended (puree free) time for baby led weaning. I liked my purees!

We'll see, I've got more reading to do first.

Big baby?

I'm having concerns about the size of my baby. Not serious concerns, just minor niggles.

Namely: her brothers were a normal good size and they were twins. R was 7lb 1. So if that's what twins grow to inside of me, then what will a singleton do? Second babies are supposedly larger than first, which I take to be second pregnancies, I don't think it increases with every baby.

Plus my bump is (slightly, not comment-worthily) big, I was measuring 24cm on Friday, which is within the normal range of 2cm either way of expected (22cm at 22 weeks) but still bigger. Her lengths were all normal at the scan, but normal has a range. An 11lb baby is normal.

As I don't plan to deliver naturally (reason #876), that isn't an issue, but I am concerned about how the old pelvis will hold out. For the last 6 weeks before B-Day, I will have to transfer the boys to and from school.

Who knows. I was 2 weeks early and was something like 6lb. Hubby was 6 weeks early and tiny. My niece was 35 weeks and just under 4lb. These things don't indicate a big baby genetically.

Having said that, my mother didn't smoke but the mothers of the other 2 mentioned babies did. One thing that seems to be common to all smoking mothers-to-be in my experience is premature, small babies. So possibly irrelevant.

Maybe twins aren't small, that maybe takes into consideration the early arrival of many twins. And the fact that twins are considered "full term" at something like 34 weeks instead of the 37 for single babies.

I could perhaps aid baby by eating less sweeties. I never eat sweets much normally, and I am eating pounds of sweets. Ridiculous!! Way to give myself gestational diabetes.

Kicking is marvellous, I discovered today that she will kick in response to my voice, possibly objecting to the booming voicebox. But it's still cool to talk and get a response. It may make me look like a lunatic, I can't say that I have entirely restricted this to home ("that was a bit loud wasn't it?" or "hello there!" in response to a kick) but at home I chatter away about what we're having for lunch etc. The boys will chat to her as well; O told me off earlier for being mean to her when I said she was a lazybones for not kicking on demand.

For all I am sore, tired, grumpy and overwhelmed, I wouldn't swap this for anything. I thought today how utterly wonderful it is to be a woman and have a life growing inside you. I will always look fondly back at this stage and remember these kicks and how special it felt. I do feel womanly and goddesslike today.

Not sexy though. That's mad.

Ooh, madness, that's reminds me...

Birth plan

When I was having my twins, up until the 36 week scan (twin pregnancies necessitate 4 weekly scans, which is lovely) both of them were breech, we were on for a caesarean. As such I didn't pay all that much attention to antenatal classes and what not. Not for me, thought I.

36 weeks and R was head down, they said. So induction it was to be, as they don't like you to go overdue with twins in case you pop or something like that. Refocus mind to natural birth and think, hmm, I've not done this before I think I might just trust the experts.

My birth plan was a lot like this:

I do want the babies to have the vitamin k injection.

My husband doesn't want to cut the cords.

I'd prefer to avoid general anaesthetic.

Other than that I leave it to the medics to make the best decisions for me and my babies.

Nobody read it in the end.

As R was breech on the day (at 38 weeks and 6 days) the twins were delivered by caesarean anyway, after much it's a head/no it's a bottom/no it's a head/let's just go for a section.

Anyway. This is my proposed birth plan for this time:

Have planned caesarean section.

This doesn't apply if she comes early. Supposedly if I am in advanced labour I will be keen (keen? Really?) and indeed expected to carry on with a natural delivery, but as I fully expect to be at the hospital approximately 24 seconds after any water breakage or contractions, this is unlikely.

As I got to nearly 39 weeks with "they always come early" twins after not a hint of imminent labour, I guess I'm not an early dropper. Not to mention the fact that she's so far been fast forwarded 2 weeks already and they're planning a 39 + 2 delivery date so early is really unlikely.

The VBAC option has been dismissed. Way too risky for me and baby. In case you wondered.

VBAC??

I had a chat today with a friend who delivered her second child naturally, following the caesarean birth of her first some years previously. I was of the impression she had a rotten time of it and would be loathe to recommend a VBAC.

On the contrary, she said she'd do it again happily, it was far better. She had it as a trial of labour, which is where they let you go into labour, but will intervene and section if there are any complications.

Which sounds ok. They won't induce you, or they shouldn't, or to put it another way, if it is me they will not be inducing me. I don't know what Forth Park do, but a lot of hospitals constantly monitor the foetus for any signs of distress. The "experts" say that they shouldn't because the likelihood of any complications are lessened the more active a birth can be. "They" also don't recommend epidurals for the same reason, which loses me a bit.

Reasons to intervene and perform a c section include:

Foetal distress
Failure to progress in a sensible time frame
Mother changes her mind about a natural birth

When I hear tales of people who have their children easily, quickly (for a labour) and relatively painfree-ally then I think, well, do I really want unnecessary surgery for no reason? Diabolical it may be, but it is all over once it's over. No big recovery (apart from the ripped bits, ugh). And supposedly you feel dead proud and all that. But supposedly you also feel close to suicide if you cannot breastfeed and I sure don't sign up to that school of thought. I didn't feel bad about any of it last time and I failed all my NCT badges of honour.

Basically, my aim is a healthy baby. It is my considered opinion that I don't want the risks of a failed natural delivery, and so an elective section would remove those risks. But maybe - maybe - a trial of labour would see if the normal/sensible/conventional/nonsurgical method could work, with consultants and what not on hand to operate if required would be a good way to proceed. Maybe.

We'll see what they say at the scan. If the baby's a sensible size, in a sensible position and all looks shiny, I could be persuaded to try on the strict understanding it's a trial not a no-matter-what, and that in the event of going overdue they perform a section rather than leaving me to overcook or any hint of induction.

Possibly. I have a meeting with the consultant at 34 weeks to discuss the birth.

Baby is currently at least two or three centimetres higher than should be. Not mad, confirmed by heartbeat. This can be indicative of a breech position, or placenta praevia - where the placenta covers the cervix, both of which are situations where a section would be essential. So as I say, we'll see what they say at the scan. (We'll not think about the bad things that can be indicated with a large for dates uterus). Most likely it's due to having a stretched and battered uterus having had twins last time.

Or there's a twin in there this time and it was hiding at the scan...

Twin buggy?

Well. 3 sleeps, or lack thereof.

I have spent considerable time today looking at double buggies.

And they are way cooler than when we were buying last time. Current fave is the Baby Jogger City Select with second seat. It's a tad pricey though.

More convinced on the twins thing - the newly popped uterus is rather substantial.

Symtomwise I've felt pretty ghastly today; on several occasions (including right now) I've been sure I'm going to actually throw up. That's not good, other than being v positive for health of any babies.

I don't want more twins.
Then again, I quite do as the early tricky stage is so quick and it'd be lovely to have twins to be twinny with each other and the existing twins could have a baby each to cuddle. Which would be well cute. I think I'll be a bit disappointed either way.

I know. Mad as a mad thing.

As long as any babies are healthy that's all that really matters. Within reason. Triplets would be bad.

Gaviscon and or a wee vomit required. Then I shall attempt to have sleep one of three.

This week!

Well, since ever I found out I was pregnant, or to be more precise, since ever I started feeling pregnant - tired, sick, intolerant - I have found going to work a chore. It just occurred to me as I was having the Sunday evening blues, that as I wish away this week till Friday, this Friday is scan day! The days I wish away anyway will be gone and I'll be there.

And I pretty much won't have to work on Friday as the scan will take most of the morning - I work 9.30 till 12.30 and the scan is at 9.45 for 2 hours. So I shall pop in after, update the necessaries and show off my scan picture of my healthy singleton, and leave again after half an hour or so. Huzzah for paid antenatal appointments.

I incidentally won't be going to work after if it's a swift scan with bad news, I'll be having a meltdown. I may also be having a breakdown if it's multiples.

I'm not sure what I'll think about after Friday. I guess I'll have results to worry about, then possibly further tests, plus general worry and complaining. I don't recall ever letting up the worry or the complaining when I was pregnant.

The worry goes:
trimester one: don't bleed, don't miscarry;

trimester two: don't just die, don't be broken, please keep kicking me;

trimester three: keep up that kicking now, come out safely, don't be broken, don't die, don't kill me either.

The complaining goes:
trimester one: I feel sick, I'm tired, I hurt, I can't sleep, ooh my breasts hurt;

Trimester two: I still feel sick, I'm still tired, I still hurt, I'm not blooming, I still can't sleep;

Trimester three: I have chronic indigestion and the stomach capacity of a mouse, breathing isn't so easy, everything is too much effort, I'm still very tired, I haven't slept in weeks, I can't lie on my back or front or right side, actually everything hurts, I've been pregnant forever, I want it to be over.

Yeah, I guess there's lots to say, even if it is a tad repetitive.

I am currently in the bath - wooo! still novel after 21 months unable to. I tend to have a bath at the same time of day most nights, and each bath I can feel a distinct flurry of something going on. I don't know if it's baby moving or not, but it's both reassuring and nice. I may be deriving comfort from some wind but it sure feels like tiny foetal acrobatics. It doesn't happen any other time other than in the bath and I remember the bath was the best time for movements with the boys. So here's hoping. Here's not hoping the fact that I can feel it means it's twins. The existing twins have bickered and wound each other up all day today and the thought of another twosome just does not appeal!

5 sleeps.

One week, two days...

I can't wait! I can't wait! The scan is next Friday and I am so excited. Although this week is proving verrrrrrrry long and I suspect next week will be worse.

9 sleeps, including the one I'm about to have.

This Friday the midwife is coming to visit. I have seen her already (back in the first week of knowing) and this is my proper booking visit. Although as it's in my home, I'm guessing I won't be weighed or have all my bodily fluids checked for deficiencies.

Approaching 11 weeks and this is how it is healthwise:

Cold has gone, but a vile cough remains. Turns out non drowsy cough medicines of the linctus variety are ok for pregnant ladies and are remarkably effective in a well-I've-stopped-for-now manner. They're not Original Benylin but they do allow cessation of coughing long enough to breathe.

Symptoms of growing a baby at 10 weeks + 5: unbelievabubbly tired, despite sleeping better at night. Sickness is more in waves than a progressive worsening. My boobies are now less sensitive and although huge, don't ache so much. Stomach is a vast expanse of bulgingness that makes me look much pregnanter than I am, and which I don't really understand. I don't think I can feel my uterus under the udder, but I'm not sure. The udder is much pushed forward by something. Bowels? Triplets?

The other October 2011 ladies on iVillage say they can feel a hard lump, I don't think I can. Or maybe I can, I can't tell. You're not meant to be able to feel it above the pelvis till 12 weeks, so that's a good indication it's NOT twins. Unless it's quite high and I can't tell. Who knows?

For two/three days I had a very sore back, possibly caused by (minimal) housework on Sunday. Muchos pain of the tailbone, which made walking tricky, sitting painful and bending a thing of the past. It's still a wee bit twingy but mostly ok, being able to have a bath is most wondrous in times of backache. The Hypochondriac in Me (aka HIM) diagnosed an incarcerated uterus, or at the very least a tilted (retroverted) uterus, which would push against the spine instead of rising up out of the pelvis.

Cure: lie on front. Have done. Got better. Still can't feel uterus: HIM concludes that the foetus must have stopped growing.

Oh shut up!! Yesterday's test (just checking) said 3+ weeks very quickly so my levels are still very high.

And where was I? Ah yes. Backache.

It is a little strange to have backache; having been dosed up on some type of morphine based painkillers for over 18 months, other aches and pains were masked and unnoticed. Now - I have twinges and niggles. Boo.

I have done very few school runs this last week. Hubby can be ace.

Current "craving": bacon. Yummy.

Miss/don't miss

Yesterday one of the boys had a boiled egg and soldiers for his tea. How good did that look? I so want a runny boiled egg. I won't, I'll be good, but I want one BAD.

Soft cooked eggs = salmonella risk. Devil's advocate argues that our eggs are from vaccinated hens, but it's a bit risky for the sake of a meal.

I think the worst for me is the lack of cold remedies, although I have discovered new safe ones. Steam inhalation does work a bit. Skooshing saltwater up your nose (which is as gross as it sounds, but I am a vision of phlegm and ick anyway) loosens everything a bit as well, as does industrial nose blowing. And finally, I have been attempting to massage my sinuses to alleviate the pain, and the pain is a tad alleviated. Who'd have thunk it?

I would really like some sinusitis spray. They don't know if it's ok. I don't want to risk it. Paracetamol will suffice, although apparently that could affect the fertility of any male foetuses as adults. Logic there is that damage will undoubtedly have been done by now. Go easy on the paracetamol and hope for a girl.

I don't miss wine. I'm relieved to have a reason not to buy cigarettes, which is rather pathetic, but I neither need to fork out the cash or deal with the smell/inability to breathe properly. So I don't miss cigarettes. I don't miss having to take painkillers, I can't take them but my neck is ok, achy rather than sore and I can live with achy. I can take baths again so that makes pregnancy worth it alone. Hurrah for hormones!

I might have a bath now, not being at work and all. Noone would even know. Mmmm.

But first, some sustenance to keep the nausea at bay and then to watch a programme about parents with 3 sets of twins. Which may induce a panic attack, or may provide calming thoughts of just the 2 sets.

One baby would be such a cinch. It would.

Laters.

10 weeks and sniffing

Boh. I have the cold again, and this time it's a cracker. I have the reddest nose ever seen due to the perpetual drip, and I am feeling most miserable. 2 days off sick, my sinuses are very sore and I can't breathe. Yuk. A day in bed has helped, another will help more.

So. 10 weeks. That's quite good, it's only TWO WEEKS TILL THE SCAN! And I am still alternating between being convinced there will be no heartbeat, and that there will be multiple heartbeats.

Evidence against the lack of heartbeat: I am feeling v v sick, I have v sore and ginormous breasts, prior to the cold I had a permanent runny nose, I am still peeing most enthusiastically and generally being most distinctly grumpy and pregnant. That and the test I did two days ago which said 3+ weeks which is a bit of a clue.

I know. I worry.

Evidence as to the presence of more than one baby: the ginormous belly. It can't all be doughnuts, it's only been 5 weeks since I stopped dieting. I am bigger now than I was at this stage with the boys, and I started off thinner (albeit plus the udder of overstretched skin) this time. I know it's not bump, but I do look pregnant and that was what made me suspect twins last time.

We'd cope. Twins are v cute. As long as at least one is female...

9 weeks and feeling double

I am 9 weeks today. Entering week 10 and feeling sick. Tiredness is ridiculous, sickness is vile by the end of the day, head is achy and I feel generally cack. No real change other than being tireder and more headachey.

Today I saw the coolest buggy I have ever laid my eyes on. It is made by Recaro and comes with a car seat and carrycot. It's lovely, going by the name of Akuna, and a right bargain at £395 for the lot. Sold (at a later date) to the lady with the enormous tummy!

Yea. That's the problem. I have a bump. It's in the wrong place and any babies in there are about an inch long just now, but it sure looks like a bump. And feels like a bump. This was confirmed by two of the mums at the school as well, one of whom was amazed I was only 9 weeks and the other confirmed I was displaying a bumpesque protrusion.

People think it's very amusing. I think it is less so.

I saw the midwife today as I was concerned about a shaky hand (which was nothing). While I was there I checked a few things including the amount of fluid I seem to be retaining and the reassembling of my insides to my upper abdomen. This is all normal in a second or subsequent pregnancy but I asked if the level I am displaying is indicative of twins.

Yes.

Oh my word. Not definitively, that can only be confirmed by ultrasound but it's looking likely. It seems that my perception of bonkers boobs = uber oestrogen production = girl is not necessarily correct. No, the primary cause of excess oestrogen would be, go on, guess. Yup. More than one foetus.

Sadly if they are a they, they will have to share a buggy because I am so having the Recaro.

Rough rough rough

I think I am getting used to feeling rough, for it doesn't seem so noticeable any more but if I think about it I actually feel quite terrible. Today I have indigestion to add to my joys. My chest has ceased to be quite so sensitive and intent to expand, so that's something. It's still ginormous and fragile, but ok.

The tiredness is ridiculous, and I continue to find it very difficult to sleep at night. Part of it is discomfort, another part is the perpetual hunger/nausea thing, but the main part is simply not falling asleep. Napping or not by day has little bearing on whether I sleep, so I have concluded I may as well nap when I can as that is as least some sleep.

I appear to be accumulating all the fluid I shall be requiring for the duration of the pregnancy all at once. I am taking in gallons of fluids - milk, water, more milk, juice - and not that much comes back out. My lips are all chapped which is a sure sign of dehydration. I have this firm little bump already, which doesn't indicate twins as it's too high, but it does make me look considerably advanced to what I actually am.  Although I have a sinking suspicion it was this non bump that made me suspect twins last time.  Oh god...

3 weeks and 2 days until scan day. I cannot wait, it's such a very long time. I wish they did the dating scan at 8 weeks, I really do. I kind of understand why they wait till 12 weeks as it must be much harder to accept a baby has gone if you've seen it on ultrasound and until the 12 weeks have passed there is a higher chance of loss. Then again, the potentially at risk ones are the ones that get scanned early. No matter what, my scan is 3 weeks on Friday and then I may relax a bit.

Number one fear: "sorry, there's nothing there/no heartbeat"
Number two fear: "there's two babies in there"

The latter is obviously far preferable to the former and would be delightful in actuality, but one single baby would be an awful lot easier. Especially a girl. I may be cooking two boys though, and this time we are old hands at it so it'd be easier regardless.

One girl. One girl. Please. I know it can't change now, but...
The God of traffic lights says it's a girl, I am craving sweet things mostly and I believe the breasts of enormity are due to excess oestrogen, ie a girl. No scientific basis for that last one, I made that one up optimistically.

We'll see. There's nothing I can do except wait and fret.

Twin panic

I am completely convinced it's twins. One boy, one girl.

The evidence is pointing toward twins, I seem to be developing a bump at 6+4 - not just the bloated tummy type either. That shouldn't happen for a bit, and is exactly what happened with the boys. I feel proper sick and, well, much the same as last time.

I can't imagine one baby. I picture a baby boy, and a little girl. Can't focus on one or t'other. This doesn't mean anything, I was sure I was having one of each last time, although I was sure of boy before I knew it was twins. But still, I've got a feeling.

Statistically, it's more worrying that before. Any IVF twins skew the statistics, because they didn't occur naturally. So naturally occurring twins like mine are much more likely to happen again than overall stats indicate. Personally - on the only previously tested occasion, I ovulated twice.

Don't get me wrong, I love my twins to bits and the second set would be easier than the first, but there's issues. 1) I want my singleton baby time!! 2) regular cars don't take 6 people. 3) The thought of another twin pregnancy is hideous.

Oh god I want a scan. I think I may phone the midwife tomorrow and see if I have a date yet. I want to be closer to the 10 week than the 14 week.

And breathe.
And breathe.

How to feel inferior

There was a moment in my past which changed everything forever. It was the moment in 2005 when I was told "There's two babies in there".

From that moment I was a mum-of-twins. No more standard issue pregnancy, no, off to the consultant for you missy. Then there was the getting vast and immobile, and being poised from about 25 weeks for the twins "which always come early". Or not, in my case.

Once arrived there's an endless array of new parent stuff that is Not Possible with two babies.

For the record, it's not that hard, as long as you leave all preconceptions of goodly and earth mother-y parenting in the scan room. Do what works, not what you "should" and all is fine (within obvious boundaries of common sense). We broke all the NCT rules. Ha! Take that with your normal mothers! Heh. But yeah, many activities are simply not practical so it's a lot easier to stay home and watch CBeebies.

They are doing very well at school, thank you, and their language is very good. Just so you know, even having been exposed to formula from birth AND television at the tender age of 0.

So now. Second pregnancy, huh? Yes. I am different again. Huzzah for stereotyping.

Your first child has been an only child till now.
No they haven't.

Imagine if you had twins!
Imagine, indeed.
So, advice for parents of twins on the arrival of a new sibling is.... non existent. That obviously doesn't happen, nobody would ever get pregnant again after twins! We have information (now! All produced post 2006) on what it is like to have new twins. Lots of coverage on your little one dealing with two baby siblings at one go, but none on having them already and preparing for a new arrival.

Because it doesn't happen. Follow the rulebook, people. Firstborn: one child. Twins are for subsequent pregnancies, if you must.

As if that isn't enough, all mentions of second pregnancies presume that child one is either a baby or a toddler. Maybe a preschooler at the very outside if you really left it overly long, but that's pushing it a bit for credibility.

I feel distinctly persecuted. Not least because I am officially an Older Mother, being over 35 and all.

To recap, this is what I got wrong:

1) I had too many babies on my first shot. 2, 3, 6, 27 - doesn't matter. The correct number of babies to have at one sitting is 1, any more is deviant. It can occasionally be excused on a second attempt.

2) I waited too long to get pregnant again. I should have unplanned it years ago.

3) I should have accepted my elderly state and not been doing things like "that" anyway. By the age of 36 I should be in a home for the insanely elderly for sure.

Pah. Luckily I'm not tetchy at the moment or it might bother me.

Gender and names

I make it no secret that I yearn for a daughter. Another son would be lovely, as long as they're healthy. Honest, I do mean that, but I do currently have a preference.

Family wishes are as follows:

Me: girl
Hubby: boy
Boys: two boys

One major problem with a boy is that we have no names. We used the only 4 we liked for first and middle names for the boys. Of the two or something that I don't hate, hubby doesn't like at all. Girls names are easy. Any ideas for boys names very much appreciated.

Also, I have referred to the twins as "the boys" since I found out they were to be boys. It'd be weird to start calling them "the twins" or, perish the thought, their names. I do (obviously) use their names, I just always talk about "the boys".

Still not telling anyone. Except one mum at the school (my boys may blab to her son) and one colleague who would notice if I fell asleep at my desk. Noone else at work can find out till I know if I have a job past March.

First proper panic.

This morning's panic/reassurance/panic was from the second of the packet of tests that indicate time since conception. It now reads 2-3 weeks. Which is good, great, because the hormone levels are increasing and so the pregnancy is viable.

Holy moly! Lots of hormone could mean...

more than one baby!!!!!!!!


One baby more than anticipated is one thing, two more is, erm, difficult. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have another set of twins and it would remove the hardship of being the sibling of twins, but I'm not sure how we'd cope. And, totally selfishly, I relish the thought of all the things I could do with one baby that were out of the question with twins.

We would have said we couldn't have coped with one set of twins. We did. As long as any babies that come out are healthy, I don't really care. Within reason. Quintuplets would be too much.

Symptoms are starting proper: achy chest, nausea, fatigue. Neck is less sore, I may manage to have a baby that isn't born with a codeine addiction. Hurrah!

Still not telling anyone, except two close friends who I couldn't not tell when I'd told other people.