Hormones, more moans

Hormones, they sure do put you in a mood. I've been akin to premenstrual, but worse, for almost a month.

Irrational tears.
Much shouting.
Hyperbolic outrage.

It's fun.

The smell thing is not good, although it's peculiar smells that get me. Food not so bad as with the boys, although certain foods are icksome. Mostly the ones I am compelled to eat, like today's macaroni cheese for lunch. Yumtastic but smelly. And anything resembling fish, or potatoes bizarrely. Perfumes are continuing to be a problem, all perfume now makes me gag. Air freshener, furniture polish, perfume & aftershave, fabric conditioner - all vile.

More rage:
I am now being illogically upset at people's response to my news. I've told pretty much everyone now, even work as I am green around the gills and as skilled as the watercooler at remembering anything. And I'm not sure what reaction would please me. Bizarrely, I'm almost embarrassed to say, it wasn't planned and I feel that counts against me. I still want it, very much, it's an accident I've been praying for the last two years, but I still feel slightly like it's not real somehow. I've got a vague recollection of feeling similar when I was blatantly obviously pregnant with twins. Until the scan and the definite confirmation that you've got a real live baby or three in there, it does feel a bit like you're making it up.

Christ. Imagine triplets. I always boggled at the idea of how one could cope with triplets (arms = 2, maximum number of babies also = 2) given the restrictions of twins. I suppose subsequent triplets do have the advantage of additional arms in the firstborn.

I would definitely be feeling shitter right now if it was triplets.

Worry, worry, fret, fret.

Woke up this morning feeling ok.

Panic!! Panic!!!

Except for the unbelievable tiredness that is. And the ridiculously sensitive response to odours. And the bloated tummy.

I don't feel particularly nauseous today. That's all. And everything's a bit SORE. It's normal sort of sore, not worrying or severe type of sore, but everything is worrying.

I do not need to do another test to make sure my levels are still high. Mostly because I did one yesterday. Well!! Damned Clearblue give an element of reassurance. I've *only* done about 11 tests, 10 of which have been to check I am still pregnant, the first one did answer the question satisfactorily. I did the same with the twins. Only 8 for them as you didn't get conception indicators in those days. It's a worrying time.

I have an emergency one left for next week, so I can have one final neurotic episode and then accept that there will be blood and stuff in the event of bad things happening.

Incidentally, yesterday said pregnant and 3+ weeks almost instantly. That's good. Although that does raise the worry of high levels again...

Oh shut up, inner pessimist.

I need to sleep. Lots and lots and lots and lots. And then sleep a bit more.

First proper panic.

This morning's panic/reassurance/panic was from the second of the packet of tests that indicate time since conception. It now reads 2-3 weeks. Which is good, great, because the hormone levels are increasing and so the pregnancy is viable.

Holy moly! Lots of hormone could mean...

more than one baby!!!!!!!!


One baby more than anticipated is one thing, two more is, erm, difficult. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have another set of twins and it would remove the hardship of being the sibling of twins, but I'm not sure how we'd cope. And, totally selfishly, I relish the thought of all the things I could do with one baby that were out of the question with twins.

We would have said we couldn't have coped with one set of twins. We did. As long as any babies that come out are healthy, I don't really care. Within reason. Quintuplets would be too much.

Symptoms are starting proper: achy chest, nausea, fatigue. Neck is less sore, I may manage to have a baby that isn't born with a codeine addiction. Hurrah!

Still not telling anyone, except two close friends who I couldn't not tell when I'd told other people.

More positive!

Off to Glasgow for a night out tonight. As is my wont, I would usually purchase some cigarettes for the evening, being a social sort of smoker. Decisions decisions. Want cigarettes, don't want them if there's going to be an actual baby. Baby probably isn't going to be. It might be.

I'm a bit rubbish at not smoking, but I didn't smoke when I was pregnant before, I won't do it again.

Solution.

Stop and buy another test, nip into the loos, buy cigarettes on the way out when levels confirmed as not high.

And bing! Up pops the dark blue line instantly. That's a definite positive. That's a proper dark line that exceeds anything a chemical pregnancy ever had.

I am pregnant. Yikes. Cost of tests so far £20.50, but £6 or so (and counting) saved on cigarettes. Deal struck with life/fate/god of traffic lights/the stork/anyone that if I didn't smoke, I would have a healthy baby.

Obviously "had" to tell the friends I was out with. And the two people with them that I don't really know. But I won't tell anyone else.

Positive!

Today I was struck by the need to purchase a Clearblue Digital Pregnancy Test, the one with the conception indicator. Wasn't expecting to be pregnant, but I do tend to always think I am. Each month my body likes to make like it's growing a baby, and I spend several fortunes on tests. Not usually the posh ones (all hail pound stores) but they were on offer this month and I've been off coffee which is unusual in itself.

Did it when I got home. I sat there thinking "Doh! Why have I wasted £11 AGAIN?" as the "working" icon flashed away, and flashed away and flashed some more. After what seemed like half an hour but which was in reality about 2-3 minutes, then:



Goodness! And other much less polite/calm words.

Paced the house for about an hour and then did a cheapie one that I had in the cupboard (because I waste a lot of money on imaginary pregnancies). Very very faint line on that one. Possible another chemical pregnancy. Assume nothing.

Told hubby. Advised not to panic as nothing being assumed.

Obviously not telling anyone yet. Just one person.