My bump confuses me. Baby isn't all that big and none of her joints are very big, but I often have a very solid and rigid lump of bump that feels somewhat like a substantial joint. A foot? Shoulder? Knee? Totally hard and unyielding. Weird. Worrying, sometimes.
So, I've got obsessed with new worries. I am utterly convinced that any time at all spent on my back will cause an immediate cessation of oxygen to baby and the result will be brain damage, most likely in the form of cerebral palsy. Which I am terrified of. More so because baby was perfect at previous scans, so if anything goes wrong it would most likely be because of something I did/am going to do wrong.
What else am I worried about? My mortality again. Regardless of my mothering skills I cannot bear the thought of my own demise and my babies being motherless. The this-baby-wasn't-meant-to-be concept has reared it's ugly paranoid head again and I can't get past thinking that she and I cannot co-exist.
Because no unplanned babies survive... It's utterly illogical. It would be far more sane to think that this baby is clearly meant to be and so will be regardless. I have similar fears for O as twin 2, we only planned for one baby and he came too.
That's not to say I don't have horrors about R and bad things happening to him. I guess this is one of the pitfalls of parenthood. Or just love, I have perpetual fears about their father too.
More whimsical, but at least positive, is the fact that I have always sensed I would have a daughter. I have long envisaged her as a little girl of around 7. I have an image in my head of how she will look, so my subconscious at least acknowledges the likelihood of her growing up. With me around also. When I was pregnant with the boys I could clearly imagine the way they would look, specifically I could see the differences between them, and actually I got it right. Mother's intuition or the mad rambling of a hormonal worrywart?
Showing posts with label Paranoia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Paranoia. Show all posts
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Saturday, 9 July 2011
28 weeks
Well, baby has been reading the textbooks: as noted yesterday, starting this week the movements are less due to lack of space, but they are more like kicks than somersaults.
I noticed.
Today I was shouty, mad, depressed, tearful, ranty and thoroughly rubbish. There are a number of possible causes for this:
1) lack of sleep
2) pain
3) hormones
4) lack of nicotine
5) all of the above.
I'm not coping at the moment, or to be less dramatic, I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. Too much to prepare for. Too much too contemplate. Too many ailments to cope with.
It is not possible for me to sit and marvel at my bump at the exclusion of all other activities and this is proving a problem. Having not done anything useful or left the house today, the pelvis is calmer. Yay.
Today was the start of the 29th week, or 28 weeks completed as seems to be conventional. As such, I have updates on all my baby tracker things. Baby's eyes are now open and susceptible to light and dark. So I've been shining a torch on my bump. A little response, not much, but she has been restful today (which means she's probably about to get active as I prepare to sleep).
I thought I might be leaking fluid today, but I'm not, so it must have have been a momentary lapse of bladder, which is udderly (heh) depressing.
Paranoia: someone I saw on Thursday has the cold. I do not want the cold. Grr to the cold. I am probably immune to it though, I must have had every strain of cold in existence by now.
Yes, I know. Literal I am rarely.
So that's me at 28 weeks on the eve of the last ever News of the World.
That's the big news. I might look back and care some day. Meh.
I noticed.
Today I was shouty, mad, depressed, tearful, ranty and thoroughly rubbish. There are a number of possible causes for this:
1) lack of sleep
2) pain
3) hormones
4) lack of nicotine
5) all of the above.
I'm not coping at the moment, or to be less dramatic, I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. Too much to prepare for. Too much too contemplate. Too many ailments to cope with.
It is not possible for me to sit and marvel at my bump at the exclusion of all other activities and this is proving a problem. Having not done anything useful or left the house today, the pelvis is calmer. Yay.
Today was the start of the 29th week, or 28 weeks completed as seems to be conventional. As such, I have updates on all my baby tracker things. Baby's eyes are now open and susceptible to light and dark. So I've been shining a torch on my bump. A little response, not much, but she has been restful today (which means she's probably about to get active as I prepare to sleep).
I thought I might be leaking fluid today, but I'm not, so it must have have been a momentary lapse of bladder, which is udderly (heh) depressing.
Paranoia: someone I saw on Thursday has the cold. I do not want the cold. Grr to the cold. I am probably immune to it though, I must have had every strain of cold in existence by now.
Yes, I know. Literal I am rarely.
So that's me at 28 weeks on the eve of the last ever News of the World.
That's the big news. I might look back and care some day. Meh.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Ouchie
Ow. Sore tummy. Had too much lunch, there is no longer room for a large lunch. Ligaments are complaining. All seems well babywise however, nothing ominous and heartbeat present.
Although the heartbeat has been continually as if the baby is far from the surface, a bit muffled the last few days. Still strong, just not as close as it was initially. Instinct is to panic at faintness, but I promised no madness. Baby maybe has learned to shy away from the lumpy thing chasing her around.
Which reminds me of one thing that baffles me about the logic of mad people in their theories about ultrasound: they argue that babies must "hear" the ultrasound as they move away from the source (Doppler?). That to me suggests that the baby is moving away from the large object prodding their living space. But still, any excuse for a good paranoia.
And that's about it for today. 19 weeks as of yesterday and it's... a lot like 18 weeks. This week I have a midwife visit to alleviate paranoia I had three weeks ago, and next week I have my anomaly scan. Which is the gender reveal scan also!!!
Meantime I have a presentation to prepare, following updates may be brief.
Although the heartbeat has been continually as if the baby is far from the surface, a bit muffled the last few days. Still strong, just not as close as it was initially. Instinct is to panic at faintness, but I promised no madness. Baby maybe has learned to shy away from the lumpy thing chasing her around.
Which reminds me of one thing that baffles me about the logic of mad people in their theories about ultrasound: they argue that babies must "hear" the ultrasound as they move away from the source (Doppler?). That to me suggests that the baby is moving away from the large object prodding their living space. But still, any excuse for a good paranoia.
And that's about it for today. 19 weeks as of yesterday and it's... a lot like 18 weeks. This week I have a midwife visit to alleviate paranoia I had three weeks ago, and next week I have my anomaly scan. Which is the gender reveal scan also!!!
Meantime I have a presentation to prepare, following updates may be brief.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Caved
I have ordered a Doppler, it will be here in 2 days. This is probably stupid for a couple of reasons:
1) having fretted until 17.5 weeks, it's a bit illogical to buy reassurance just as the time comes that kicks will kick in properly and provide the reassurance.
2) it is definitely the way of madness, hourly heartbeat checks leading to own heart failure periodically as ineptitude strikes.
It didn't cost much.
My midwife appointment, as made last week in light of blood pressure and headache, is a week on Tuesday. That's not long. And my scan is the Thursday after that. At which we can ascertain the wellness of baby and hopefully the gender.
Sleeps till Doppler arrives: 2
Sleeps till midwife appointment: 13
Sleeps till anomaly scan: 22
That's kind of ages. And that does mean 20 sleeps till I have to give a presentation on my masters dissertation.
I can do that. I shall write it this weekend. I know what I'm doing, this ain't the dissertation, it's a "what I am going to do next".
An aside. Something else to fret about. How novel. Added to the fecking ginormous bump that is unmistakable a pregnant bump, I'm a bit dreading the whole thing. Not preparing it, doing it. While pregnant, waddlesome, vague and forgetful.
Talking of the giant bump, it is obviously not all baby at 17 weeks and thus anyone who knows my dates and comments on "my god it's huge" is actually commenting on my first trimester doughnut consumption. "Are you sure it's only one?" is RUDE.
Meantime I have a sore tummy, sore back and sore most other places. Not good, will not become paranoid.
Ok, I'm paranoid. I haven't felt the maybe-flutters properly today. Hence the ordering of the doppler.
Madness ahoy!
1) having fretted until 17.5 weeks, it's a bit illogical to buy reassurance just as the time comes that kicks will kick in properly and provide the reassurance.
2) it is definitely the way of madness, hourly heartbeat checks leading to own heart failure periodically as ineptitude strikes.
It didn't cost much.
My midwife appointment, as made last week in light of blood pressure and headache, is a week on Tuesday. That's not long. And my scan is the Thursday after that. At which we can ascertain the wellness of baby and hopefully the gender.
Sleeps till Doppler arrives: 2
Sleeps till midwife appointment: 13
Sleeps till anomaly scan: 22
That's kind of ages. And that does mean 20 sleeps till I have to give a presentation on my masters dissertation.
I can do that. I shall write it this weekend. I know what I'm doing, this ain't the dissertation, it's a "what I am going to do next".
An aside. Something else to fret about. How novel. Added to the fecking ginormous bump that is unmistakable a pregnant bump, I'm a bit dreading the whole thing. Not preparing it, doing it. While pregnant, waddlesome, vague and forgetful.
Talking of the giant bump, it is obviously not all baby at 17 weeks and thus anyone who knows my dates and comments on "my god it's huge" is actually commenting on my first trimester doughnut consumption. "Are you sure it's only one?" is RUDE.
Meantime I have a sore tummy, sore back and sore most other places. Not good, will not become paranoid.
Ok, I'm paranoid. I haven't felt the maybe-flutters properly today. Hence the ordering of the doppler.
Madness ahoy!
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Can't breathe, won't breathe
Cough is vile. Can't breathe so well and back aches from coughing so much. Tomorrow shall see me attempt to see a medic. This not good, need to breathe. No it's not viral, it feels totally bacterial. Wish me luck.
Sickness rather excessive today. Feeling not being though, so I should be grateful. Melon may be nice but it does not stave the nausea the way sausages can.
Mmmmm. Sausages and bacon. Lovely. That's supper sorted.
Yes, I don't eat red meat. Usually. This is not usual and I do it for taste reasons rather than ethical so if I'm not off it, bring on the bacon. I don't eat fish for ethical reasons, that's quite different, I do occasionally have to remind myself that I don't eat scallops.
Mind is in a weird place, I absolutely cannot get beyond next week's scan in my mind.
Possible outcomes are as follows (in order of expectation):
1) multiple pregnancy
2) lack of any heartbeat
3) heartbeat present, foetus not viable
4) one healthy baby
I don't need to point out that 4) is the most likely, but it is my least anticipated. I am going mad. I don't think it feels real yet, seeing a real living foetus on ultrasound will presumably make it real. And confirm whether or not there's any viable pregnancy going on in there never mind two.
Midwife visit tomorrow (after doc for cough) - maybe that will make it more real. I live in hope.
8 sleeps.
Sickness rather excessive today. Feeling not being though, so I should be grateful. Melon may be nice but it does not stave the nausea the way sausages can.
Mmmmm. Sausages and bacon. Lovely. That's supper sorted.
Yes, I don't eat red meat. Usually. This is not usual and I do it for taste reasons rather than ethical so if I'm not off it, bring on the bacon. I don't eat fish for ethical reasons, that's quite different, I do occasionally have to remind myself that I don't eat scallops.
Mind is in a weird place, I absolutely cannot get beyond next week's scan in my mind.
Possible outcomes are as follows (in order of expectation):
1) multiple pregnancy
2) lack of any heartbeat
3) heartbeat present, foetus not viable
4) one healthy baby
I don't need to point out that 4) is the most likely, but it is my least anticipated. I am going mad. I don't think it feels real yet, seeing a real living foetus on ultrasound will presumably make it real. And confirm whether or not there's any viable pregnancy going on in there never mind two.
Midwife visit tomorrow (after doc for cough) - maybe that will make it more real. I live in hope.
8 sleeps.
Thursday, 3 March 2011
The madness of others
With my ongoing worry of twins, I looked up when the uterus is meant to rise out of the pelvis. I found a lot of people who rely on the height of the fundus (top of uterus) for dates as they don't want ultrasound. Including people who were measuring several weeks further on than they thought they were and suspected twins but refused to have an ultrasound.
Huh?
So I googled "reasons not to have an ultrasound"...
It causes autism apparently. And the screeching of the ultrasound will be intolerable for the foetus. And it can make your child left handed.
I jest not. Here is one such discussion:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/opinions/5239/
(soz, you have to copy n paste)
Incidentally, the link provided in that collection of paranoia does mention investigating causes of autism but does not mention any connection to ultrasound.
Why is ultrasound used? because it's safe.
Reasons why to think otherwise is idiotic:
The sound thing: foetuses (foetii?) do not have canine hearing. They do not "hear" ultrasound.
There's a mention of "the sound waves on microwaves being hot enough to heat food".
Microwaves ovens: use microwave radiation. There's a clue in the name.
People really do amaze me sometime. Oh how blessed I am with an enquiring mind.
Huh?
So I googled "reasons not to have an ultrasound"...
It causes autism apparently. And the screeching of the ultrasound will be intolerable for the foetus. And it can make your child left handed.
I jest not. Here is one such discussion:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/opinions/5239/
(soz, you have to copy n paste)
Incidentally, the link provided in that collection of paranoia does mention investigating causes of autism but does not mention any connection to ultrasound.
Why is ultrasound used? because it's safe.
Reasons why to think otherwise is idiotic:
The sound thing: foetuses (foetii?) do not have canine hearing. They do not "hear" ultrasound.
There's a mention of "the sound waves on microwaves being hot enough to heat food".
Microwaves ovens: use microwave radiation. There's a clue in the name.
People really do amaze me sometime. Oh how blessed I am with an enquiring mind.
Monday, 28 February 2011
Payday!!
I've been superskint this month so payday meant the purchase of some much needed maternity comforts.
Purchase 1: a digital pregnancy test with conception indicator. I have now done 15 tests (at least). I can't help it, I need to check I am still pregnant and the damned overpriced indicator ones give reassurance that hormone levels are still high. It's still 3.5 weeks till my scan, I am paranoid and I don't feel as awful as I did. Or maybe I'm used to it. Something.
I could pay £90 for a private scan 2 weeks earlier. I'm not going to.
Purchase 2: smashing stretchy non maternity trousers from M & S. They are great, they fit because they're normal trousers, but they stretch and stretch, and then fit again after the birth. I had a pair when I had the boys, wore them into hospital with the biggest bump ever recorded, and wore them home.
Purchase 3: yummy food from M & S. Rocky Road Bites: yumcious.
Purchase 4: ginormous pants. Normal (aka nice) ones are irritating my c-section scar which is bulging and being irritable. Not nice, so I need unsexy pants that come up to my chin. I got some truly hideous ones last week, but I got some bearable non vpl ones tonight that don't actually encase my entire body in underpants.
They're not knickers btw, knickers implies something feminine and nice.
Human evolution has ensured that having impregnated his woman, a man can relax in the knowledge that she is repulsive to all other men, possibly forever more, certainly for the duration of her pregnancy. His progeny are protected.
Pregnancy: it's delightful.
Purchase 1: a digital pregnancy test with conception indicator. I have now done 15 tests (at least). I can't help it, I need to check I am still pregnant and the damned overpriced indicator ones give reassurance that hormone levels are still high. It's still 3.5 weeks till my scan, I am paranoid and I don't feel as awful as I did. Or maybe I'm used to it. Something.
I could pay £90 for a private scan 2 weeks earlier. I'm not going to.
Purchase 2: smashing stretchy non maternity trousers from M & S. They are great, they fit because they're normal trousers, but they stretch and stretch, and then fit again after the birth. I had a pair when I had the boys, wore them into hospital with the biggest bump ever recorded, and wore them home.
Purchase 3: yummy food from M & S. Rocky Road Bites: yumcious.
Purchase 4: ginormous pants. Normal (aka nice) ones are irritating my c-section scar which is bulging and being irritable. Not nice, so I need unsexy pants that come up to my chin. I got some truly hideous ones last week, but I got some bearable non vpl ones tonight that don't actually encase my entire body in underpants.
They're not knickers btw, knickers implies something feminine and nice.
Human evolution has ensured that having impregnated his woman, a man can relax in the knowledge that she is repulsive to all other men, possibly forever more, certainly for the duration of her pregnancy. His progeny are protected.
Pregnancy: it's delightful.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
6 weeks and flagging
Well, there's not much point in writing "today was the same", hence the gap in posts. Well, and I've been a bit wabbit. I am now 6 weeks and 2 days and all is much as before: very tired, feel sick most of the time, oversensitive to smells, sore boobies, general aching.
Still paranoid about the same things: quadruplets, miscarriages of the missed or not missed variety.
Which gives one of the definite joys of pregnancy; given that you go rather a lot, there is a need to check for blood every single time, which means an awful lot of momentary fretting. I know from last time that the checking never stops, you just get to a stage when it becomes checking for signs of labour rather than signs of miscarriage. There is a halcyonic half hour or so between early pregnancy and advanced whaleness where your bladder has a capacity of more than a thimble, but it is indeed short lived.
Ok, I believe in non multiple pregnancies this is known as the second trimester and is the mythical blooming period of perpetual joy, lush hair, glowing skin and the ability to both eat food and act like a fully functioning human being. I am yet to meet a mother who experiences this, other than retrospectively while uttering the ever misleading: "I LOVED being pregnant". Note that is only ever in past tense, I do not believe any mother has ever said "I am loving being pregnant".
I am not loving being pregnant. I am loving the fact that there will be another baby, but getting there is tough. The fretting is crippling: is it real? is it well? does it have a sibling in there with it? will it still be well tomorrow? is it still well? what if it inherits my nose? or is rubbish at maths? will I ever stop feeling sick? is it a he or a she? what can we call it? is it still well? will both of us survive the process of getting it out of me? is it still well? what are my chances of Downs again? and cerebral palsy, how do I avoid that? how will I cope with night feeds and will this one toilet train at 18 months like I was PROMISED? is it well today?
It's no wonder pregnancy is tiring.
Still paranoid about the same things: quadruplets, miscarriages of the missed or not missed variety.
Which gives one of the definite joys of pregnancy; given that you go rather a lot, there is a need to check for blood every single time, which means an awful lot of momentary fretting. I know from last time that the checking never stops, you just get to a stage when it becomes checking for signs of labour rather than signs of miscarriage. There is a halcyonic half hour or so between early pregnancy and advanced whaleness where your bladder has a capacity of more than a thimble, but it is indeed short lived.
Ok, I believe in non multiple pregnancies this is known as the second trimester and is the mythical blooming period of perpetual joy, lush hair, glowing skin and the ability to both eat food and act like a fully functioning human being. I am yet to meet a mother who experiences this, other than retrospectively while uttering the ever misleading: "I LOVED being pregnant". Note that is only ever in past tense, I do not believe any mother has ever said "I am loving being pregnant".
I am not loving being pregnant. I am loving the fact that there will be another baby, but getting there is tough. The fretting is crippling: is it real? is it well? does it have a sibling in there with it? will it still be well tomorrow? is it still well? what if it inherits my nose? or is rubbish at maths? will I ever stop feeling sick? is it a he or a she? what can we call it? is it still well? will both of us survive the process of getting it out of me? is it still well? what are my chances of Downs again? and cerebral palsy, how do I avoid that? how will I cope with night feeds and will this one toilet train at 18 months like I was PROMISED? is it well today?
It's no wonder pregnancy is tiring.
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Insanity
This may turn out to be an extra one, because it is that time of day where worry, sore tummy and nausea* prevent sleep.
(*and the morning spent asleep)
Stupid stupid worry, I worry that I'm going to worry a problem into existence.
I have conflicting worries, which make less than sense:
Worry one: that I experience a missed miscarriage/blighted ovum and there's nothing there when I get a scan in 200 years time.
(actually in between 5 and 8 weeks, but time goes so very slooooowwwwly when you're pregnant)
Worry two: that it's twins.
Illogical, huh? One extreme or t'other.
I may have mentioned both, I forget. I forget most things actually, as the pregnancy progresses, the more repetitive these entries will be.
The evidence would suggest an entirely normal singleton pregnancy. Tell that to my paranoid brain.
I WANT A SCAN!!!!!!! The fact that nothing would show up yet is irrelevant. It's not that long to wait and as long as I feel diabolical and nothing falls out - it's ok.
Bedtime reading: What to Expect When You're Expecting.
Again.
Happy statistic:
Chance of miscarriage having not had one and having had a previously live birth is 5%. Even if I'd never had a previous pregnancy, the rate for age 35-38 is 18%.
Worry is a silly thing, it wouldn't make it easier if the worst happened. Shush shush silly brain. Enjoy the, err, something pleasant about this stage...
Incidentally, chance of second and subsequent set of fraternal twins is 1 in 300.
Worry be gone!
We still don't have any boys names and it's 15 weeks till we find out about that one.
(*and the morning spent asleep)
Stupid stupid worry, I worry that I'm going to worry a problem into existence.
I have conflicting worries, which make less than sense:
Worry one: that I experience a missed miscarriage/blighted ovum and there's nothing there when I get a scan in 200 years time.
(actually in between 5 and 8 weeks, but time goes so very slooooowwwwly when you're pregnant)
Worry two: that it's twins.
Illogical, huh? One extreme or t'other.
I may have mentioned both, I forget. I forget most things actually, as the pregnancy progresses, the more repetitive these entries will be.
The evidence would suggest an entirely normal singleton pregnancy. Tell that to my paranoid brain.
I WANT A SCAN!!!!!!! The fact that nothing would show up yet is irrelevant. It's not that long to wait and as long as I feel diabolical and nothing falls out - it's ok.
Bedtime reading: What to Expect When You're Expecting.
Again.
Happy statistic:
Chance of miscarriage having not had one and having had a previously live birth is 5%. Even if I'd never had a previous pregnancy, the rate for age 35-38 is 18%.
Worry is a silly thing, it wouldn't make it easier if the worst happened. Shush shush silly brain. Enjoy the, err, something pleasant about this stage...
Incidentally, chance of second and subsequent set of fraternal twins is 1 in 300.
Worry be gone!
We still don't have any boys names and it's 15 weeks till we find out about that one.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
The smell of fatigue
An uneventful day so far. I decided I was not fit for work (pretty much decided before I left work yesterday) so went straight back to bed when I got back from taking the boys to school. And sleep...
Why is sleeping so much easier when it's daytime? We're designed to sleep at night, but that's hard. My brain has this little switch that activates when it understands that bedtime has occurred. This makes it go into "dooooo stuffff. Wakey wakey, dontcha need to visit the bathroom? Ooh remember those things you wondered about? Now would be a great time to look them up!" mode.
But I defeated it today. Ha. I went through the gargantuan effort of making and eating lunch (can still eat, this is good) which has been the sole achievement of today. Logic: may resemble human being later and be useful then.
Reading stuff mostly leads to paranoia. Everything can be bad /ominous if you read enough. Do not read stuff! Or if you must, read What to Expect When You're Expecting, because it is nice and reassuring.
I'm adding to this, it is now bedtime and I feel compelled to add for future reference that the nausea is never far away. It hides when I do no exertion whatsoever and am exposed to no smells of any strong type at all.
Surprisingly, the smells that are getting me most are perfumes. For no good reason I put on some Poison the other day and nearly fainted from the smell, I had to wash my neck. I do normally like Poison (not as much as when I was 12 but it was a kind gift still). The bathroom aisle in Asda had me near enough hurling this evening. Hubby suggested he might make kedgeree for the boys, saying as how I don't eat fish, and seemed surprised to be informed his wife would have to be out of the house for a week or so afterwards. Obvious smells have the nausea at peak, the ones a hangover can't deal with - fish, cooking smells generally and any conventionally rank smells. I already mentioned cigarette smoke. Ugh, and I can say that as a non smoker of nearly 2 weeks now.
I must have a wee rant about smoking sometime.
I am however going wild for Body Shop White Musk, which I have never really noticed before, and I've definitely had some and put it down to generically pleasant. Now it is ambrosia for the nose, and I don't mean it smells like rice pudding.
I don't think I'm going to work tomorrow, but I fear I may have to reveal the source of my malaise upon my return. I have the doctors who I may freak out with my list of worries. Ho hum.
I must point out: I was quite useful later. I walked up to school, reading that a walk and some fresh air is good for nausea. Is it ***k, but I survived (just). The boys and I did a fair amount of clearing - they did toys and I did trash - so we rewarded ourselves with easter eggs, which the boys didn't get on account of being very naughty while fetching them. And I changed the bed, by which I mean I stripped the bed, dug out clean covers then asked hubby to finish. Which he did - a DEFINITE perk of pregnancy. He did the dishwasher too.
Tomorrow, when I'm in a good(er) mood I may discuss intolerance.
Why is sleeping so much easier when it's daytime? We're designed to sleep at night, but that's hard. My brain has this little switch that activates when it understands that bedtime has occurred. This makes it go into "dooooo stuffff. Wakey wakey, dontcha need to visit the bathroom? Ooh remember those things you wondered about? Now would be a great time to look them up!" mode.
But I defeated it today. Ha. I went through the gargantuan effort of making and eating lunch (can still eat, this is good) which has been the sole achievement of today. Logic: may resemble human being later and be useful then.
Reading stuff mostly leads to paranoia. Everything can be bad /ominous if you read enough. Do not read stuff! Or if you must, read What to Expect When You're Expecting, because it is nice and reassuring.
I'm adding to this, it is now bedtime and I feel compelled to add for future reference that the nausea is never far away. It hides when I do no exertion whatsoever and am exposed to no smells of any strong type at all.
Surprisingly, the smells that are getting me most are perfumes. For no good reason I put on some Poison the other day and nearly fainted from the smell, I had to wash my neck. I do normally like Poison (not as much as when I was 12 but it was a kind gift still). The bathroom aisle in Asda had me near enough hurling this evening. Hubby suggested he might make kedgeree for the boys, saying as how I don't eat fish, and seemed surprised to be informed his wife would have to be out of the house for a week or so afterwards. Obvious smells have the nausea at peak, the ones a hangover can't deal with - fish, cooking smells generally and any conventionally rank smells. I already mentioned cigarette smoke. Ugh, and I can say that as a non smoker of nearly 2 weeks now.
I must have a wee rant about smoking sometime.
I am however going wild for Body Shop White Musk, which I have never really noticed before, and I've definitely had some and put it down to generically pleasant. Now it is ambrosia for the nose, and I don't mean it smells like rice pudding.
I don't think I'm going to work tomorrow, but I fear I may have to reveal the source of my malaise upon my return. I have the doctors who I may freak out with my list of worries. Ho hum.
I must point out: I was quite useful later. I walked up to school, reading that a walk and some fresh air is good for nausea. Is it ***k, but I survived (just). The boys and I did a fair amount of clearing - they did toys and I did trash - so we rewarded ourselves with easter eggs, which the boys didn't get on account of being very naughty while fetching them. And I changed the bed, by which I mean I stripped the bed, dug out clean covers then asked hubby to finish. Which he did - a DEFINITE perk of pregnancy. He did the dishwasher too.
Tomorrow, when I'm in a good(er) mood I may discuss intolerance.
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Sick and tired
Well that about sums me up. I am too tired to do anything much, pretty much everything seems too much effort. And I spend all day needing to snooze, and then whee! Can't sleep at night due to nausea. Nausea: ever-present and everything is feeling a bit battered.
It's a lot of fun.
Today's considerations: do I want to try reusable nappies?
Conclusion is looking like no, because nappy rash is a part of cloth nappies and I don't want to do that. But I do feel I should try it, so I might on the understanding that they get ditched on the first sighting of rash. If we move house. I'm not doing endless nappy washes in a flat.
Pregnancy is a real joy of paranoia. Having got past the "I'm not really pregnant", we're now onto the "I might lose it" (which involves checking EVERY trip to the bathroom for blood) with elements of "the child might be disabled because of being unplanned" intermingled with my own special "it could be twins you know".
I don't feel like it's twins. Although last time I didn't really think it was until it was. And last time I had all the other paranoia and it was FINE. I was half convinced on the day of the first scan they were going to tell me there was no baby in there; they said there were two!
Delusion of the day: Creme Eggs are not a craving. That's being a fat bastard.
It's a lot of fun.
Today's considerations: do I want to try reusable nappies?
Conclusion is looking like no, because nappy rash is a part of cloth nappies and I don't want to do that. But I do feel I should try it, so I might on the understanding that they get ditched on the first sighting of rash. If we move house. I'm not doing endless nappy washes in a flat.
Pregnancy is a real joy of paranoia. Having got past the "I'm not really pregnant", we're now onto the "I might lose it" (which involves checking EVERY trip to the bathroom for blood) with elements of "the child might be disabled because of being unplanned" intermingled with my own special "it could be twins you know".
I don't feel like it's twins. Although last time I didn't really think it was until it was. And last time I had all the other paranoia and it was FINE. I was half convinced on the day of the first scan they were going to tell me there was no baby in there; they said there were two!
Delusion of the day: Creme Eggs are not a craving. That's being a fat bastard.
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Miserable
I am totally stuffed with the cold.
I feel constantly sick. I feel ok when I'm eating, then feel sicker.
My chest is inflating by the second, and it feels like it's being attacked with knives.
Waist is expanding rapidly.
I have lots of groovy books to read. The stage whereby nothing matters if is not to do with My Baby has arrived, although I do manage to cope with my existing babies. They are very excited, and may be of help as they will be nearly six when baby/babies arrive. One of the books is entitled "Pregnancy in Older Mums" as I have come across the "over 35" label a bit too often already. Paranoia central! It is a miracle, it seems, that I am alive at all, never mind the fact that hubby's decrepit sperm managed to impregnate my shrivelled egg. Such decayed beginnings could only lead to a broken child. That book is going back to the library pronto. I did get the companion to my precious Pregnancy Bible; a Pregnancy Bible for a Second Pregnancy. Woot! I was so attached to the original I lugged it all the way to Amsterdam and back. That is currently missing (the book, not Amsterdam), a full on search is required. "What to Expect When You're Expecting" alleviated the panic from the older mum book.
I feel very large. This may be due to constant eating for three days, or it may be due to excess children on board. I am definitely less tired than last time, which suggests it isn't twins, but I am starting to feel every other symptom just as keenly as last time. Who knows. 7 weeks or so till I find out.
I feel constantly sick. I feel ok when I'm eating, then feel sicker.
My chest is inflating by the second, and it feels like it's being attacked with knives.
Waist is expanding rapidly.
I have lots of groovy books to read. The stage whereby nothing matters if is not to do with My Baby has arrived, although I do manage to cope with my existing babies. They are very excited, and may be of help as they will be nearly six when baby/babies arrive. One of the books is entitled "Pregnancy in Older Mums" as I have come across the "over 35" label a bit too often already. Paranoia central! It is a miracle, it seems, that I am alive at all, never mind the fact that hubby's decrepit sperm managed to impregnate my shrivelled egg. Such decayed beginnings could only lead to a broken child. That book is going back to the library pronto. I did get the companion to my precious Pregnancy Bible; a Pregnancy Bible for a Second Pregnancy. Woot! I was so attached to the original I lugged it all the way to Amsterdam and back. That is currently missing (the book, not Amsterdam), a full on search is required. "What to Expect When You're Expecting" alleviated the panic from the older mum book.
I feel very large. This may be due to constant eating for three days, or it may be due to excess children on board. I am definitely less tired than last time, which suggests it isn't twins, but I am starting to feel every other symptom just as keenly as last time. Who knows. 7 weeks or so till I find out.
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